Tuesday, January 27, 2015


Sunday, January 25, 2015


lelah tetap ku mencari
arti untuk ku membagi 
menemani langkahku 
namun tak berarti

dan bila semua tercipta
tanpa harus ku merasakan
cinta yang tersisa
hampa hidup terasa

After work on Wednesday, my family went to watch Into the Woods at GV Gold Class Suntec City. It was the first time for my sisters and I, and Lyssa and I were so awed by the entire experience.

They provide a blanket.

And a fully-automated reclining chair, which felt like a flight seat but was much more comfortable than any flight I've ever been on.

There's a button to press to order any service, during the show. OMG the elitist in me was so pampered by the experience, it's the ONLY WAY I'M EVER GONNA WATCH MOVIES AGAIN. #bedekbanyak

Okay no but really I think imma treat myself now, whenever I watch a movie alone, I might as well relek in that comfy seat.

The show was slightly draggy, made only tolerable by the comfort level of the place hehehe. Also, I thought the different messages in the songs were quite nice.


Yesterday, I met Khalis for an impromptu dinner 'cos he was around doing work on his thesis. His research is on the Kampong Glam area, and my favourite nugget of information that I learnt yesterday was that the big tree behind Kandahar St is significant because it's a "gelam" tree.

HAHAH I don't know why I like that fact, I just do.

We ate at Tasneem, where Rafi was eating with his fiance on my left, as well as on my right were Ishan Perfiq with Fadly and their friends.

I didn't tell Khalis I have the slightest thing for Perfiq (his name is Ishan Syafiq but his instagram handle is Perfiq which is perfect because: why not) 'cos he kinda reminds me of Khalis, he's like some cool-ass drummer/skater dude. I know, being the annoying bitch Khalis is, he would have said something to Perfiq for sure. FO SHO.

Not that he wouldn't know now that I say it here and my colleagues read my blog, but eh, whatevs la, at least not embarrassed in person in front of his friends. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So anyway, we had dinner. I ate naan with butter chicken. I only ordered naan because I was reminded of Khairi's instagram caption when he ate naan ("sixpence naan the richer" no I mean he wins the Internet for a second just for that). Yes I ordered it because of that, I'm a creep, so what, fuck off, I don't care what you think of me.

I'm back, bitches!!!!!!! I no longer am affected by people's impressions of me, thank you very much. FUCK THAT PMS SHIT, IT FUCKS YOU UP SO BAD.

Anyway, I don't know if Khalis was keeping tabs on the amount I was eating, he tried to ask me to eat more but I was really stuffed after finishing half my naan. The butter chicken was really good, though, Khalis thinks so too.

So adorable la, all these people. It's so sweet that they're all monitoring me and taking care of me, like Siti at work keeps asking me to order food for my staff meal and like, JUST just now she said "eat please?" but I declined 'cos I'm not hungry at the moment.

Thank you, thank you all for caring so much.

I'm really fine now and I can and will take care of myself. I am so, so grateful for everybody who has been worried. All my best friends are honestly just so amazing, I'm so glad that they're there to i) slap/snap me back to reality when I venture too far into my fantasies and ii) keep an eye out for my wellness and welfare when I'm not doing it myself.

Thank you Han, Huda, Sha, Lyssa, Khalis, my parents, etc etc y'all know who you are. Thank you also to those who didn't express concern towards me because you had faith that this entire month of depression/drama was an aberration, that I would bounce back to become the cheerful, hopelessly positive person that I am. I really am, you don't have to worry, I pride myself on saving myself.

During dinner, I asked Khalis whether he thought I was as creepy with Khairi as I had been with him (Khalis).

We got too busy and we got sidetracked dissecting my experience with Khairi, that we forgot to answer the main question, but sometimes I recall all the shit I said and did when I liked Khalis, and I'm like "how is he still my friend now???" The man really has the tolerance of a saint.

Like when I talked to Lyssa about it late last night, she was saying in her proud little sister voice (she has a thing for Khalis, God knows why? must be my secondhand feels overspilling to her), "yall have come so far."

And we really have. We can talk about anything and other people now, whereas I used to blog so creepily about Khalis. So creepy. Three times I liked him, and three times he had to reject me in his own way. OMG sometimes thinking back on it, I'm just like, how the hell did that happen???? Thank God I have no more feels for him.

I told Khalis that sometimes I feel I could turn out friends with Khairi because the same thing happened with Khalis, but Khalis said it's completely different because Khairi and I never started out as friends. We can't go back to something that never happened. Awww manzxzxzxz.

Also: Khalis and I were never involved. There was a guy I used to be very close with but no longer am (one of my so-called bros) who thought Khalis and I were closer than we actually were, but like, that's completely false.

For all my liking him, it was always weird for any physical contact with Khalis. Like even if I wanted a hug from Khalis, it'd be like "do I actually have to touch him?" HAHAHA it's strange because I'm really quite touchy-feely and I hug friends and colleagues and random people, but I had no... errr... contact with Khalis.

Khalis and I were talking about my blogging nature, and he told me outright it's creepy to have a blogger as a romantic partner. He said a lot of things are sensitive and he totally understands that different people have different boundaries as to what is fine to be shared and what is personal.

He also brought up the fact that I shared the screenshot of my conversation with him about his ex-girlfriend not liking him meet me, and he said: "if it was anyone else, Sarah, I would have minded (emphasis on minded) la. but because it's you and we're close and I know you through these years, to me it's just Sarah being Sarah."

Dyou even understand how grateful I am for friends like Khalis, and in fact all my closer friends, for eternally letting it go that I can be tactless with what I share on my blog? Especially Han and Huda and Lyssa, all of whom are my bestest friends but are completely opposite and very private and cryptic with whatever they share with people.

I'm just like, wow. Thank God for such people who will always be honest with me, about what works and what doesn't.

Yesterday I felt it again, that Khalis and I are each other's fall-back friends. The last time I said it was what, two years ago or something? He hated me thinking that, that I consider myself his fall-back/filler friend for when he's not attached, but I kinda like it leh?

Like, I'm okay with not meeting so often when either one of us is attached, but at least I'm the person he trusts, in between? And he's that person for me? It's like, we keep seeing each other grow and learn from different experiences with different people in our lives. I dunno, I think it's okay to be a fall-back friend.

He probably still disagrees.

After our dinner, Khalis went to meet Narpal (I met him for the first time!) and they hung out at Toothless Bear. I kinda wanted to but I was broke and I didn't wanna drink, and I felt like I don't belong in their cool-kids crowd, so I went home earlier.

Today Khalis sent me a video of them performing Senorita!!!!!!! I love Senorita, especially the parts where he divides the crowd by gender and gets them to sing along. It's so fun.

Narpal was singing and Khalis was on the cajon. I'm so sold. Next time, even if I'm broke, I'll just get a drink from I am... and go back to the bar because we're in the same lane anyway, HAHAHA.

Omg damn sedih, yesterday Khalis needed to withdraw cash so we went to Raffles Hospital but it only dispenses $50 notes so he couldn't withdraw 'cos he didn't have enough, and he thought I was laughing at him but I was actually laughing at myself because he's a student, I've been working and I was just as broke HAHAHA #sadlyf.

just know that I'm always parallel on the other side

show me how to fight for now
and I'll tell you baby, it was easy
once I figured it out
you were right here all along

you are, you are the love of my life

now you're the inspiration for this precious song

you're my reflection,

all I see is you
every lesson forms a new scar
they never thought you'd make it this far

and nobody comes to save you now
but you got something they don't,
you got something they don't

Wednesday, January 21, 2015


If you haven't read the post before this, please do so as it will put this one into perspective. That's sort of the precursor and this is... the epilogue.

The above song was possibly the last Khairi and I heard together. We talked about the original music video. I was quite struck by that conversation because I'd just been thinking of that vid but I didn't tell him, just like I never told him anything that was on my mind. The lyrics are so relevant to me, now.

I woke up at around 2+ just now, and I saw a couple of texts which made me cry, again, unfortunately, as counterintuitive as it sounds. I couldn't go back to sleep so here I am, again, writing all this down for it to make sense, someday, a few years down the road, maybe.

Earlier today, Shahida also asked how I was, because I think she sensed from my blogposts that there was something bothering me, that I wasn't telling them.

A few days ago:

Even my little cousin Nurul, gave me words of advice. She's 7 years younger than I am.

Through the week, Huda's friends (who are kinda sorta my friends already, too?) Faiszah and Diyan also sent me encouraging messages, and hugs through the form of Huda. Huda spent Monday afternoon with me working through all my feelings.

I thank Huda for loving me and reminding me to love myself, and telling me that it's not wrong or crazy to have feelings. Having feelings too fast is not crazy. Having too many feelings is not crazy. Having feelings is not crazy, it just makes me human.

Of course, I understand that my feelings can be intense and overwhelming, especially for people who don't know me well. If their impression of me is that I'm crazy, I can't help it.

I think the lowest point is still that at the end of it he believed I didn't think he had feelings, especially given that I keep harping on about feelings. I know it probably stemmed from the "rape" blogpost. I guess I knew it at the time, that right after, he was already closed off and it took a lot to coax anything out of him, again.

He may have felt like it was a personal attack, instead of that I was attacking the idea. I would have ranted about it no matter who had said it, but it happened to be him, and I went to G, of all people. It probably seemed like I was going back to an ex, and I would have lost it if he had gone to talk to an ex-girlfriend about me.

I guess if he had assumed that every time after that, I would talk to G about him, it seems logical. It was extremely callous and insensitive on my part, and I understand the erosion of his trust for me from then on. But that's just a moot point now.

Yet another lesson: there are other people's feelings to be considered, not just mine.

My colleagues at I am... have been supportive as usual.

The I am... family is really an extension of my family. Sometimes I see some of them, and I know they've gone through or are going through more pain than I have. Many of them are also just as broken individuals as I am.

I wanna hug them, and tell them that God will ease their pain, just like God is easing mine. I wanna tell them to forgive the people in their lives, to forgive themselves, to let go and to hold on to the right people.

There are just too many people in our I am... family, and I am distracted by my own life and all the things I have to do (for work and otherwise) so sometimes I "pilih kasih" (lolol) but I really feel everybody there is an amazing, kind, lovely person. I want to just try and let everyone know they are loved, and that I am grateful for them catching me every time I fall.

I have so many people to thank, I know not everybody can take time out of their lives to push me on, but I know they care too. I can never express my gratitude for having a mum and Nyai like mine, they are the most encouraging of family, along with my sister Lyssa, and I love them so much.

People like Kel and Viv, and their Tweets. Words mean a lot to people like us, and even virtual hugs are much-needed on some days.

Or my bestie Han, whom I just saw a few hours ago at our self-defence class. She said I looked pale and "skinnier than last week", and I know she was wondering what happened, but I didn't tell her about the berserk blogpost, the one I hope fewer than 10 people know about. I just didn't feel like letting more people in about my vulnerable act, and I already know Han would've been concerned.

I have to reconcile the fact that my favourite word is "ephemeral" with the fact that it basically means "dunya" which is temporary. Sometimes I think everything that is temporary becomes even more beautiful, precious and an entity to appreciate and treat with care. Another lesson is also not to get too attached to such things that are so fragile and fleeting.

When we were first getting to know each other, I told Khairi that "ephemeral" was my favourite word and he said it was his favourite word, too, then, despite not knowing what it meant. It was in moments like that I knew I liked him a lot, because in those instances I felt some form of love.

Unfortunately I mixed up my lessons, I got too attached and I didn't treat this temporary, fleeting dynamic with appreciation and care, so it became ephemeral/just another element of dunya.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015


Here goes. The tears have run out, or they're soon gonna run out. I'm not crying as much or as often. The past three weeks have been quite, quite hysterical, and drama-filled for me, and even I can't say I knew 100% of what was going on.

I think I tripped out, and the peak of it coincided with my PMS, so I lost my grip. I was quite unbalanced, the kind I would have been maybe more than three years ago.

Sometimes I can really be quite strange, although I haven't done so in a while - I did so this time, I did a "what the hell was I thinking/doing?!" but clearly, I wasn't thinking. I was just being impulsive, and it was one of my worse/worst moments.

Today, while in the office with three of my female colleagues, Siti, Nora, and Farah, I asked them whether there was a prayer to... not think of something, or to get through something. They all said there was no such thing as a prayer to stop thinking of anything.

Something that weighs heavily on your mind, will weigh on your mind, regardless of how much you try to avoid it. The only difference is in how you let it affect you, and how you deal with it. They all said "la tahzan" which is "don't be sad", the start of a saying/quote that Huda used to tell me (I think there might even be a screenshot of it on my Instagram).

It is:
لاَ تَحْزَنْ إِنَّ اللّهَ مَعَنَا
(la tahzan: innallaha ma'ana)

which means, "don't be sad: God is with you"

and indeed, I felt lighter. Nora said, whatever happens, it was to teach me something, and God had already planned way beforehand, so now all I can do, all I should is accept it graciously with an open heart.

I am supposed to learn something from this. I'm not quite sure exactly what the lesson is, yet.

It could be a myriad of things, or it could be a combination of all of them. It could be to take my time and not rush into things, if it has been planned for you, it will end up being for you, and if it's not, it won't be.

It could be to appreciate the things/people I have and express my true feelings for them while I feel them, instead of being passive-aggressive, and taking them for granted, not realising what I've got till it's too late.

It could be that getting to know strangers is completely different from getting closer to someone you're already friends with. New acquaintances might be more straightforward and expressive with their liking for you, but they won't be so tolerant of your faults, given that they don't see you in regular daily settings, easing into those flaws of yours.

My lesson most probably was definitely inclusive of this factor: I depended too much on another person to make me feel happy/contented/good, and just being the basic Muslim that I am, even I know that that isn't what I'm supposed to do.

My ties with fellow human beings are temporary, ini semua dunyawi, and I should have and I should from now on foster a stronger relationship with God, instead of any person I could meet in life. I hadn't let my feelings for anyone affect the person I am, for a long, long time, and now that I did, I lost control and crashed and burned.

I really liked, you could say I even fell in love with this man, even though I wouldn't admit it to myself, or to him, because I would have scared him off. Also because I was scared of my own feelings.

He was a nice, good guy, whom I admired when he was being filial and actually updating his Facebook status about his mum being neglected by his siblings, just when we were in a cinema and our movie was about to start.

There were a lot of things like that, his openness to care, that made me like him. It made me quite, quite unsettled to know that I had to match up to him for him to like me, I don't think I acted very naturally when I was out with him.

I think that's another lesson, though. Nice and good as I think he is, he just might not be the one. Just like my ex-boyfriend was an immensely nice and immensely good person in my eyes, whom I thoroughly loved, we still didn't last.

Perhaps it's better that this guy and I ended now, nothing could or would have guaranteed that, had we carried on, we wouldn't have fizzled out, especially given that this guy doesn't feel enough for me like my ex-boyfriends did.

I have finally come to accept that everything happens for a reason, and one day the reason for this will unfold itself to me. In the meantime, I'm gonna lay low and hope this blows over soon. Hopefully he doesn't think I'm a basketcase, or understands that even if I am, some people just have their episodes in life, and this was one of mine.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell. Sometimes.

Through all the crazy things that happened in the past 3 weeks, though (basically this year), I still have a bit of positive I can say for sure. I have become more self-aware, I know now what I'm willing to give up, what I know I would compromise, and which principles of mine I'm willing to bend, and at what cost.

This happened for a reason, or many. Thank you God, for letting Khairi appear in my life. I love/d him, but love exists in many forms, and I'm gonna let go now.

Monday, January 19, 2015


The tide is pulling me under, again. My phases of denial are slowly slipping away.

Each time I see this I just want to hide under a rock.

One of the last few things he said to me was something like he also needs to share stuff with his listening ears, and that "please don't think I'm not human and I don't have feelings" which made me reflect on how I'd been treating him all the while prior to that.

Had I never considered his feelings? I went to read my recent past blogposts and he has a point.

He did all the things that I said in my blog I found sweet about him, like the fact that he reads my blog. And when we met up, he would say little nuggets of info that could be found in the recent blogpost. He tried. For me, he tried.

He made me happy and everybody else saw it. As Huda said, all the people in my life were rooting for him. Only I kept denying it.

But then what did I do? I blogged about G, I compared him to G and how I felt G was more suited to me, etc etc etc. What the fuck was I doing? I was clearly stepping on his feelings with no regard for them.

I'm conflicted, I don't know which is worse, if he had not felt anything throughout because he was guarded, or if he had initial feelings but all the things I did pushed him away. Now I feel like the former might be easier to deal with because the latter makes me more miserable.

I seriously feel sick that I don't want to eat, I can't eat. I've lost 4kg in 4 days. It's amazing and appalling at once.

For someone who has "all you need is love" painted on her wall, I didn't know a good thing when I had it, and I lost it. Let's be real, I felt love for the person he was to me, I just wouldn't admit it because I didn't feel it was socially normative to say you love someone within a month. But what the fuck does that matter now.

Viv says I have one week to mope, then pull myself out of this. It's been half a week, just give me till Wednesday for myself to immerse myself and wallow in self-blame and whatnot, and then maybe I'll be so sick of this, the only way on is out. Maybe like any illness, heartache has to feel worse before it gets better.

Every time I read my past Tweets about us being manja together, or I see screenshots of my happy conversations with him, I just want to curl up and cry. Which is basically what I've been doing. 

Lesson learnt: hold on when you get love and let go when you give it.

Latest update: I know now why this wave is so strong. I just got my period. On top of all my feelings, I now have raging hormones. God I am so tired. It's one of those months where this week I just wanna be a guy, please?

Also I planned to cycle to meet Huda in town but now I don't think I will cycle because it hurts but this is kinda a blessing because I have got no energy to cycle. Food still holds no appeal for me, which is completely strange because I should be devouring everything in the midst of my period.

Who's gonna hug me and ask me to pick out candy/chocolate for my PMS now, who??? Well done, self, go hide under your blanket and feel even more self-pity.

Even later latest update: this funk I'm in, is apparently ~weird~.

It is weird though. I don't usually feel so down and out or I don't show it. I don't like depressing things. I'm a happy person and I like being a happy person. I just. Can't help myself now.

C'mon self. Your hormones are not helping, only God can help now.

Saturday, January 17, 2015


if I get it all down on paper
it's no longer inside of me
threatening the life it belongs to

It exists in waves.
Comes and goes,
in ebbs and flows,
all the pains and woes.

It feels like being by the sea.

Get pushed back by the first wave, and just when you think you've found your balance to stand on the sand, just when you genuinely laugh at the jokes your colleagues crack for your sake, just when you think you could manage some lunch, the second unforeseen wave appears, crashing down on you, so that the mere mention of food makes you feel turned off, your sense of humour doesn't seem to exist again.

Denial is a coping mechanism I'm inclined towards. I tell myself "no, it didn't happen that way" or "to give it some more time" or that "it can still work". The alternative is to see the truth for what it is, and the reality of that would be too harsh, it would pin me down in all its negativity, and I'm not strong enough to face it all at once. I need to be able to get through this before I can get over it.

An important thing to note: While I am currently cocooning myself and refusing to do anything besides work and going home to sleep, there are, of course, people who still care. People are people are people, some of them care for no reason, and some don't care because of reasons.

Another important thing to note: sometimes my work is really enjoyable enough to distract me. I take pride in my work. Han's sister Syara was looking at the cafe website and expressing her disbelief that there are typos and other such errors, given that she thought I would be behind the website.

She was right to think that, as the marketing manager I am technically in charge of the website, and if I was the littlest bit tech-savvy, I would have tweaked it to be up to at least my grammatically excellent standards.

However, we are going through some services for search engine/online marketing, which include updating our website and ensuring it's fully functional, so I'm gonna wait till we finalise the online marketing vendor so I can get them to fix all the mistakes without me having to botch it up with my lack of html/whatever knowledge.


An important thing to note: I was talking to Viv, and telling her that "next time I shouldn't give away my trust so easily" but she reminded me that that might backfire as well. I should just let go, let go, let go of all previous notions when I start anew.

An important thing to note: I say I put my heart on the line and he stepped on it, but maybe he trusted me first, and I stepped on his heart and trust first. Maybe it was hard for him to be expressive about his feelings with me, but he tried anyway, but maybe I didn't see that, because I don't know him that well, and I don't know any benchmark for how he had always been to compare to how he was with me.

It's a double-edged sword, because to believe that also means I have to believe that I was really the initial cause for his hurt and anger and pain and mistrust that I feel now, but I'd rather believe that than the alternative: which is just that he really never cared very much.

To believe in the former, I would have to take ownership of the pain I caused and the pain I feel now, which means I do have control to a certain extent, over what happens and how I end up feeling. If I could be more aware of this as it's happening, I can take charge of the situation instead of falling into the same trap I always do. I have to stop breaking my own heart, by hurting someone else's.

"well Jesus, Tom. did she break your heart or did you?"

An important thing to note: There are certain people, like Han, that I can't really share my feelings with until I've gone through some things. I know she thinks I feel too much, and too fast, but just like I can't force Han to have more feelings or be more expressive with them, I can't stop myself from feeling whatever I feel, or I would be living a pretence, and that wouldn't be me. It just happens for me, I feel too much too fast.


An important thing to note:

Mothers are the best people in anyone's life, and my mum is my favourite and I must always bear this in mind if I ever want to say anything against her. I love my mother to infinity, for eternity.


An important thing to note: I am exhausted. I have not been sleeping enough, eating enough, I haven't been enough. But it will get better. It always does. One month, or a year, or a decade from now, I will look back on this as something that really made me stronger, something that made me more self-aware.

I might not be better instantly, but I will be better sometime, and the idea of sometime is good enough to lure me out of now.

I've been physically not in top form, and I think that's making me mentally weak as well, so I had a few supernatural/ghost-related nightmares a few hours ago. It made me think of what I told him the last time I was scared, and how I distract myself.

This time, instead of telling him, I just stared at the ceiling and remembered God, because as my favourite Quranic clause goes:

Whatever God wills, it is. If God wants me to feel like my heart is made of lead, and remorseful, then I will. I also know that the only way I can feel light and alright again, is by the will of God. So it is only to Him that I turn.

And here I quote one of my favourite quotes to do with God:
"God is with the broken-hearted. When your heart breaks, it's a good thing — the breaking of the heart is what opens it up to the light of Allah. The dunya is designed to break your heart, to crush it."

And so, Alhamdulillah for all things that happen.

all we can do is keep breathing

Latest update: we need an inhouse graphic designer. Do you know what Khairi works as? HAHAHA at this moment in time I am able to find amusement in this.

Sometimes I really think God has a sense of humour. Of all things. Of all times. As long as Khairi doesn't think I'm being creepy sudah. Maybe he will overlook the IG post. God please help me. This is not funny.... Maybe only slightly...

Monday, January 12, 2015


(music: Shake it Out - Capital Children's Choir)

I just discovered the live version of the CCC's Shake it Out cover. It sounds almost the same but I think I still prefer the studio recording (below).

It's probably the little boy who anchors the entire thing and is so awkward with his little hands. So adorbz.

Last night, I met Han and we dined at Nox: Dine in the Dark. We've always been fascinated by the dining-in-the-dark concept ever since we saw it in About Time, a movie that we watched together and both liked.

We were guided by our blind host (all the hosts are blind and therefore are much more attuned in their other senses), Rahamat, up a dark unlit staircase so we wouldn't be able to see the upstairs dining room at all, and by the time we were led to our chairs/tables, the darkness had consumed us.

It was actually pitch black, like blacker than when you close your eyes right now (because the light off of the device you're reading this on is still resonating somewhere behind your eyelids). Han kept saying she didn't know whether her eyes were open or closed.

There were three tables of two in our group, and we all stretched out our hands and listened intently to feel and hear how far away from one another we were placed.

We were served three courses with four dishes each. We had four smalls of appetisers, four bowls of main courses and four bowls of desserts. It was the most interesting meal I'd ever had in my life, and I loved it.

We were supposed to guess what we were eating, and some of it delighted us "oooh! omg! yay!" and some disgusted us "eee! what is this! tastes funny! I don't like, wanna switch bowls?"

As we weren't able to see, we had to bring the bowls to our mouths and just scoop/shove the little morsels of food onto our tongues.

I liked the smoked duck, I loved tasting a little tang of wasabi in one of the salads, smelled balsamic vinegar, there was lots of textured foods so our tongues would be able to appreciate the crunchiness of rice crackers, or roughly chopped nuts, we had abalone which we guessed wrongly was octopus. We also had foie gras, macarons and earl grey panna cotta for dessert.

There was a couple who was dining next to us, and the woman sounded like an obnoxious know-it-all, it reminded me of myself a little. I didn't like her.

She mentioned her experience in the dine-in-the-dark restaurant in Switzerland and said stuff like "miso cod" and "can you taste the cherry in the cake" all of which were very accurate/pinpointish guesses (as revealed to us when we went down later), that even her boyfriend/date Joseph asked "have you been here before?"

Han and I asked questions like Han wondering whether blind people wear makeup, and I asked whether everything in the room was black to facilitate the darkness (our host said yes; now I wonder what material our utensils were made of, they felt like metal... maybe black metal hehe).

Han and I understand that because we were in a unique concept and we could all really hear all our conversations, so the woman in that couple (I can't even remember her name, it was always her just calling out her boyfriend: Joseph this! Joseph that!) kept remarking on our conversation.

It was slightly rude because we sensed her sarcasm at things we both said, and we're like "dude, we're best friends, we have our own internalised understanding and humour at stuff, can you not interrupt."

Because we were in complete darkness, I told Han it would be a perfect place for a "blind date" because you'd both not be focusing on each other's physical traits at all. I brought up gross things to Han like adjusting your underwear or picking your nose.

Han dropped a lot of her food on the napkin on her lap, hehehe. I took advantage of the darkness to unabashedly remove pieces of food from my braces, in the most tak glam way.

After we had all finished all our courses, the host conversed with us about his life and experience as a blind person and answered all our questions. Overall, Han and I really enjoyed the food and the service and even the annoying girl of the couple.

It was delicious, fun and I had no qualms doing it with Han because we've both seen each other at our worsts, so now we don't even need to see each other anymore. ;)

It was an expensive meal, though, but our consolation is that it was our first meal together in 2015, and it can only get cheaper from here on out. Maybe that's really what the high cost of being blind feels like. :/

We walked out of the restaurant, had more conversations about it, like choosing whether we'd rather lose our sense of sight or sound, and how the blind look for jobs, unless they ask a sighted person for help.

Even if they use phones, they're only able to have phone conversations instead of texting? We reckoned that if they used the Internet, they'd have to use voice activation.

That part reminded me of Khairi. Whenever he Googles stuff, he presses that button and asks his question aloud to his phone. I find it so cute. I don't know why I think it's cute, but it is.

Most of the time his Google searches are ridiculous questions but the phone recognises it anyway and searches correctly, which means he really has quite good enunciation. I don't know why he does it either, I think he's lazy. Also I just realised when you say things aloud, you don't have to bother knowing how it's spelt. Hmm hmm hmmm....

I was really happy last night, thank you Han for suggesting the idea. I'm so glad our first meeting this year happened in such a cool, unique, exhilarating setting. I'll always have the best with my best.

I would really recommend the restaurant for anyone who's up for an adventure. It will be great for your tastebuds and other senses, and you also contribute to the visually-handicapped. I loved my time there.

In other news, Freya is the only one who managed to actually make me smile with the news of Joe getting married:

I had to commemorate it by putting it here. Okay bye. Have a great week ahead! So much love from me to you! :)

Saturday, January 10, 2015



so good when it ends /
they'll never be friends
one more night, that's all they can spend

Stars' One More Night will always be one of my all-time favourite songs. Will always remind me of Husna who introduced me to it once upon a time.

So I was feeling bummed this morning because I'd gone berserk on Khairi and he wants to "take a break". I then asked Khalis to meet because when down: get Khalis to cheer you up with his harsh ways. Lol.

So like apparently even my friends' ex-lovers will tell you I'm insane? I don't know how and why but people have begun associating Blank Space with me, after the whole era that was Shake it Off.

Farah said today when we were listening to Blank Space in the office, that the song has always reminded her of me, even before my whole love for it. She says it's in a good way, but it's about a psycho chick so I'm not sure what the good way is. Hahaha.

I'm very tempted to post a video of myself playing my psycho chick lipsync to the song. The girls filmed one of me in Malacca but I don't think they got the full effect of it lol.

I'm blogging on my phone btw, because I left my laptop at work and Khalis said there was no need to get it so.

In any case, Khalis and I managed to meet for dinner. He told me the reality of what happened, down to the "disclaimer" that was even made. I guess I see and understand how it panned out now.

I don't know why, I can never get into a guy's brain unless I ask Khalis about it. He said my thinking and expectations are selfish. He also suggested that I go on Tinder and swipe right on everybody to get my mind off Khairi but I doubt that's sound advice. :P

We walked around Bugis, around Aliwal and Arab St and he told me about his thesis topic. He was expounding his displeasure at the government's greater umbrella for the different ethnicities in Singapore as being only Malay Indian Chinese or Others.

He told me about how Beach Rd, North Bridge Road, the yellow house etc used to be and how it used to look. I love learning stuff from him/anyone in general.

As we were walking further out of Bugis, he managed to convince me that he actually knew Khairi and he had his number but hadn't told me when I mentioned that he was a graphic designer/avid cyclist.

He managed to get me to worm out of betting that he knows Khairi's number. I never accept Khalis' wagers, EVERY TIME he hustles me he ends up winning no matter how unlikely it seems?!??!!

I didn't wanna take the risk because Khalis does know a lot of people but then he told me he was LYING ALL ALONG. WHAT A MOFO. Such a bitch.

So we walked through Middle Road and somehow ended up at LaSalle, I don't know why. We've never lepaked at LaSalle and he didn't know Khairi went to LaSalle but we sat on the grass. I'm not sure what Khalis was doing MmmMmMmm?!?!?

At LaSalle, being the architecture student that he is, he explained certain archi industry standards to comply with, like gross floor area and how they only measure the ground covered within a 45-degree angle from the edge of the roof, and plot ratio, etc. It was all very fascinating.

Then he began talking about Narpal, his friend, whom I think Khalis has a crush on. "He's the best vocalist I know in Singapore." His bromance feels were clearly showing. I don't doubt it la, Khalis knows his shit so I believe anything he says even if IT'S ALL LIES.

He also asked the future plans for I am... and the new cafe, and the part I play in it all. He says if I have faith in this company (which I honestly, inherently, irrevocably do) I should stick around and delay my travel plans and see what this path might have for me instead. Not for the first time (Tim also brought it up), I was told to start seeing myself as the versatile asset and not just an employee.

I don't know, I don't have a set plan to leave just yet and I truly dunno if Khalis was tryna incept (geddit because I watched Inception with Khalis) the idea in my head also because he knows how much I like Khairi and how my plans affect what I had with Khairi??

Khalis says I'm too preoccupied with finding "The One", though, so maybe those weren't his intentions. Also! Do I really believe in "The One"??? Hmmm. If everyone says so about me, it must hold true? IDEK.

My colleagues knew about me being in a shite funk (who wouldn't know? You can read me like a magazine) so while I was with Khalis, the I am... Khalis texted me motivational stuff.

I am's Khalis is so adorable, though. For all his tough exterior at work, he has such a soft core. He's like an onion, you have to peel away at the layers.

I told the Khalis in real life my theory about the two Khalises hahaha. What goes around literally went around.

God has a sense of humour. It's probably blasphemous to say that. :/

I like having gotten over aki Khalis because ever since I stopped liking him, I can speak with such candidness and he can give me honest advice, and it's so much easier.

No matter what Khalis or anyone says, I am likely to always have too many feelings and never regret them. I'm sorry I'm not sorry for being me.

Wednesday, January 07, 2015


(music: One - Ed Sheeran)

On Monday, the cafe had a short getaway to Malacca.

Before we left, we took a string of photos at Haji Lane.

Off we went!

The first place we stopped at was like an Asam Pedas town or something, asam pedas was sold at literally every single store.

My work daughter Noran was so cute, she was the only one who used her hand to eat.

Our dishwasher who's from mainland China was sitting near us (because I'm one of the few, if not the only one, who can actually speak Mandarin and translate things to her), and we wanted to make conversation, so I asked her how old her son was because Lyssa wanted to find someone to marry.

She said her son is 22, and she showed us a photo of both her children, and we all decided the son was good-looking! Lyssa approved, and we even found out what he does for a living. Tak Halal, but Lyssa says she'll make him Halal for her HAHAHA.

Fu is so cute, she was so happy with that meal, even though the rest of us found the rice slightly tough, as well as the fried chicken, etc. She said it was the first meal she'd had ever since she came to Singapore to work, with rice.

She usually has one meal a day, which is the one provided at work, and as you know, we are a Western cafe, and therefore she hasn't had rice ever since she left China, and she misses it so much??!! She isn't able to cook at the place she's renting, so I told her I'd bring her rice meals from home if my grandma cooks. Aiyo.... Fu, Fu.... So kesian.

She's so nice, though, she already invited me over to stay with her and sightsee if I return to China. That's like my goal in life though. Speak everybody's native language and get invited to stay in their homes. Not even really kidding.

We checked into our villa, Limastiga, and chilled out for a bit. It was such a nice place, and the price was so worth it!!! It's like a cluster of three houses, and each house had four rooms? We booked the entire place to ourselves and it felt like heaven. You'll see more photos later.

Yus had brought his army uniform, whereas Qim, Fai, Hadi and Ghuf wore technician uniforms for paintball. LOL Y BOYS ALWAYS SO SANGGUP FOR THESE THINGS?????

While settling into the villa, some of the girls were at the table having a conversation. Zahra misheard something then she purposely misquoted, "hah?? you see Min's birbird?? hah?? Min got birbird??" HAHAHAH Y Zahra Y U LIKE DIS.

Then we headed back out for paintball and go-kart.

All the girls were feeling quite apprehensive at the thought of pain from the paintball pellets, even myself, although I'd played paintball once previously.

Farah sank into the tyre and got stuck, hehehe.

Someone helped her back out.

Lyssa is the most hardstyle person all thanks to Dan.

Abang Jam's team. Not sure what Ismail is doing, but then I don't know what he's doing in half the photos???

The go-kart/paintball business owner's daughters were so gung-ho and such daredevils. They raced against all our teams, and they just KICKED OUR DAMN ASSES?!?! I think all our individual aims was just to not let them school us so much???

Hadi, the man with the hella good hair

Ghuf so cute pls, lol.

Nash. I love Nash and Zahra's running joke that the cafe adopted, the "hah???" that you may hear later.

Fu was game to go-kart but she was too scared for paintball.

Ainul, the most manja girl in our cafe. EEEESH this one is just mintak sayang. So adorbz.

And Zahra. Zahra is my favourite. She's cray-cray. Fereals. She's everybody's source of entertainment among all our cafe colleagues. She's got sass, and she can go from Minah kampung to white girl to black ghetto just like that. *snaps fingers*

Nora's team versus...

Sarong's team (mine) / apa ni gambar posing tak balance????

Min ready to Rambo

The above is our operational manager, Din. He's very chirpy and nice. I think everybody likes him 'cos he tries to bridge across everyone and communicates with us well. He's also a boy at heart.

Go-kart + paintball = go ballz

Izy won the first game for us by stealing the other team's flag first! WOO GO IZY!!!!

See. What the heck is Ismail doing?

Din's team damn garang ah. (Garang is fierce. Also known as xiong in Mandarin.)

Lyssa was so nervous about paintball.

One of the owner's daughters just kept riding around damn fast in her pink bicycle and probably thinking all of us old farts were losers for being scared of paintball. HAHAHA.

I was tryna track Lyssa's movement in the arena.

Malaccan sun setting.

My knees have been acting up while I run. IDK why, my kneecaps have always been problematic. It might be 'cos one of my legs is slightly longer than the other and I always stand and lean my weight on one side. Even when it rains, the bones in my knees hurt first, etc.

During our paintball games, I kneeled down to hide behind the crates, and my knees just deteriorated from there.


This is a nice silhoette of Ainul, I think Siti took it while I was in my paintball session.

Din got a fierce scar right under his ear. My battle scar also quite fierce. Show you later.

I was like super enthusiastic during go-kart.

It was the best time I'd ever had while go-karting and my adrenaline exceeded that of paintball, I think. It was like the real shit that you can't get in SG. We could go so fast, and the go-karts kept swerving and rotating out of control, and we all kept crashing into the tyres that bordered the track.

Photos aren't exactly focused because the place wasn't actually very well-lit, coupled with the fast and furiousness of our karts.

HAHAHA ADUHAI CIK SITI. Ohhhh Ja... Woooo Ja... dah tukar kerja ke? ;P

Siti K/Aput tryna ride the kid's small pink bicycle.

Min's paintball scar

Ainul's.... Mine, not yet exposed ('cos I was wearing long sleeves)...

The girls kept saying "byebye!" but then following us while we walked out/down. HEHEH SO CUTE.

Qim, Firuz and Hadi were lounging at the bottom deck of our bus. It looked a little like a limo, and Qim kept doing some Jay-Z shit that amused Lyssa a hell lot, because she's always had a thing for him, hehehehe.

Qim once held up our cafe menu and asked me, "what's relish? first things first, I'm a relish??", I told Lyssa about it and she.won't.stop.singing it!!!!!!!!!

After that exhilarating and fun session, we went for a seafood dinner.

Oh, Zahra. ♥_♥

This was only half of it, because I didn't feel nice making the rest wait, for me to take a photo when everything had arrived.

Each table had kupang (mussels), cereal prawns, veggie, kerang (cockles), lala (I don't know what lala is in any language but lala), ikan bakar to dip in chili kicap, seabass in a thick gravy, battered squids, and last but not least, crabs....

I think the fish was super fresh, and everybody either liked one of the fish dishes or the other. I liked both because the texture was so delicious. The squids were also done well, and I loved the lala, and the cockles.

Errbodeh happeh with their food.

I was stuffing myself like nobody's business. BOSS TREAT SEAFOOD??? MAKAN JE!!!!!!

You know how at Sakae Sushi or whatever sushi places, they stack your plates to calculate the cost of the meal. Ours looked like the seafood version, lol.

The aftermath.

After dinner, we headed back to the villa, swam in the pool. We played monkey, made cannonball splashes, then had an appreciation session. I announced the winners for the gift-giving and translated people's speeches between English/Malay and Mandarin just for Fu's sake.

Once we were done at around 2am, we all made hot Milo and eased into our own little groups of activities. Noran, Lyssa, Siti, Min and I played Heads Up! with Noran's iPhone and it was funny and cute acting things out together, hehehe.

The next morning, a few of us took a dip in the pool again, once we'd had breakfast.

There was a really pretty and traditional-looking hut behind our villa unit, which had a carrom set in it.

In the next series of photos, Lyssa was pretending to play, but then she hit a seed out of the frame/hut, and you can follow our corresponding facial expressions of shock lololol.

Hardstyling kampung girl.

The place was really so pretty????

Jumpshots by the pool (in a skirt, no less) because: why not.

This is Izy. She's very pretty and even prettier with her pixie cut now. I'm sorry, boys, her heart currently belongs to a Mr Ismail.

If only I could wake up in the villa every day? THISISTHELYF???

The below is Nora. I play a mother role to most of the people in our cafe, but Nora will always be my big sister. Nora is Kak Nora to all of us. ♥

I love Noraaaaa. (and Noran. both of them.)


We checked out of the villa too soon, way too soon....

What is my boss doing????

The management team. I wanted to be across and explore with them! Unfortunately I was on the same side as the food, where I had durian chendol. :P

Min sempat Hindustan.

The above two photos were taken with my camera and the next two with Izy's phone, hence the difference in colours.

Feeling-feeling model la konon. ;P

After the Clock Tower area, we went to Dataran Pahlawan for some shopping time. Lyssa and I went for a Thai full-body aromatherapy massage. The masseuse saw my bruise and I think she was worried about how I'd gotten it. She kept rubbing and massaging it.

I couldn't explain to her it was from paintball because she only spoke Thai which is not a language I'm proficient in. -.-

The massage was so good, and I fell asleep, as usual (when do I not sleep?). Lyssa and I felt so relaxed afterwards.

Last was an R&R stop, where we all tried to look for last-minute souvenirs. Suddenly, everybody kept on going with the "hah??" joke.

You can get the tone of the joke from this video (sorry, only for Malay speakers LOL):

So basically we just say "huh???" followed by any stupid question or statement.

We saw this, and Lyssa said "huh?? abacus ada tajam-tajam???"

And then we saw mini bicycle figurines, and Yus was pointing out a pink one to me. I said I already had it (mine was from China), and he said "huh? dah adaaaa??"

Lyssa saw a rickshaw and she kept saying "trickshaw" without realising it. So I said "you want the rickshaw or not?" then she continued with "oh ya I kept saying trickshaw?? huh?? trickshaw???"

My bruise just keeps getting more purplish.

This morning I wore a sleeveless dress and on the way to work, I was sitting in the reserved seat. A middle-aged aunty boarded and I wanted to give up my seat to her but then she looked at my bruise, gave me a pitying look and said she was alighting at the next stop???

I think people really think I kena abused??? Hah, takde boyfriend boleh kena abuse???

The only reason it looks so much worse than everybody else's is 'cos Yus shot me at damn close range la. Yus eh, he think he wear army uniform means real war??? I was right in front of him and we were both shooting at each other, but he shot my arm which had no protective gear????

Today he saw my souvenir bruise, and he said it was marah-marah sayang (a sign of his affection for me). Mintak kena terajang.

In any case, I think the getaway really fulfilled its objective of being a team-building and bonding session. We all really felt so close and tight while just interacting with one another in competitive games, or in how we treat each other before we go to sleep, or taking turns to shower, or when we wake up.

Although it was a short time, it was really a lot of fun and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I am... so happy and so blessed and so grateful for this I am... family. Saaaayang diorang semua! ♥ I am... kat Melaka, and I am... suka sekali!!!!!!!! Next stop, I am...'s inspiration??? InsyaAllah!