Monday, June 29, 2015

ZERO-SUM GAME

(music: Someone Who Can - Yuna)

excuses are overrated 
apology not accepted
when I catch you with someone else
stop victimising yourself

when you want someone to love you
I won't be there
when you want someone to lie to
I won't be there

somebody will always understand 
somebody will always care
you didn't really play your part well
I'll find someone who can


she doesn't know who you are
too young to understand
you don't really know what you want
and I've given you everything

when you want someone to love you
I won't be there
when you cry alone in your room
I won't be there

somebody is gonna love me
and I'm gonna love him back
you didn't really play your part well
I'll find someone who can

This morning, Huda posted this song on my profile, and it's perfect. I actually talked to Dan about Yuna and Julian, and now it's come full circle. I don't have screenshots of this, because this was face-to-face, and I remember looking into his green eyes and his long eyelashes.

I wanted to express my utmost gratitude to each and every person who has been so kind to me. I've blurred all names because I'm not sure whether all of them would be okay to be on this post. There are some that I couldn't screenshot, but I'll always keep on my Facebook.











Thank you, you are all the most amazing support system. Even the people who aren't close to me wrote the sweetest heartfelt messages of support and solidarity, and I thank you for it, for taking the time to tell me nice, positive things. I will always remember all of it.

Today, I went to spend time at a friend's house to play with her kitten and get some cat therapy.






Coincidentally, after having told her the story, she said her boyfriend's sister went to Tufts.


She knew him from Tufts, probably because he handled her admission, and she even knows of DexGlobal! Amazing! How small this world is! Globalisation, global citizenship, &c &c.

Maybe the next time someone wants to cheat, in the case of not having a functional decent moral compass, they could just think about the repercussions of messing with the wrong victim. You've been playing a zero-sum game from the start, and sometimes, your luck just runs out.


Is it ironic that Daniel Grayson died in the show called Revenge?

Oh no, I won't even pretend to be the bigger person here, this is no longer rehabilitation, this is pure revenge. It's too bad you don't believe in God, because I would say this is a pretty decent joke by God, on you.

Thanks for making me unwittingly complicit to cheating on your girlfriend, it's been such a great time. #sarahcasm #sardanic --- remember this??? I thought I'd met my match, but no, you've finally been outmatched. ;)

Sunday, June 28, 2015

LIAR LIAR WORLD ON FIRE

(music: Bad Blood - Taylor Swift)

This is the follow-up and last part of this entire chapter. I do not want to involve myself with this story anymore, it's sucked the life out of me and I've had enough. A disclaimer that this is my blog, it is my personal domain, and therefore I am entitled to speak about my opinions.

In no way am I preaching this to anyone; if you disagree, you are free not to think the same way, and in fact, if you already think you are going to disagree, I suggest you do not read this at all. I am not compelling anyone to read this, there is no compulsion in this world. Or at least, there shouldn't be.

I'm worried about straining ties between myself and some of my nearest and dearest people, because they've been in similar situations, and the decisions they made are clear opposites of mine. Again, this is not personal towards anyone, it's only personal for myself.

In the five or so weeks that we spoke, I'd requested to follow Dan on Instagram, which he didn't approve. That should have already rung an alarm, but he said he was wary after an incident with some woman who was "not completely present" two years ago, or whatever. I'm now willing to bet this was obviously yet another cock-and-bull story of his.

I negotiated and he agreed to allow me to follow his Instagram and view his photos exactly one day before we would be meeting.


I asked him whether the lady was his girlfriend. He said, explicitly, "she was." I might stand corrected, but was usually refers to past tense, meaning no longer applicable, and so I assumed that's what he meant.

I went on to press him about it, because I'd told him there was no way I'd be meeting him on a "date" if he had a girlfriend. I'd told him all my insecurities, stemming from how my biological dad was a serial cheater, and I never wanted to be "the third party."


Again, he says they were "broken up."


And: he goes on to say he "takes a bit of offense" (RLY NOW??) and "feeling judged", "I was never dishonest with you" and "I didn't hide anything from you." I'm not even sure which part makes me laugh most now, because they were all lies.

I hadn't taken a screenshot of this next line I want to highlight, before I'd deleted the chat on WhatsApp, so this is the archive text from my email.


After reading that he said "the feelings are all still there" between him and his ex-girlfriend, I tried to push him towards the idea. I said "for what it's worth, i think you should try with her" because I thought it was just distance between them, and that there was nothing amiss.

He didn't take me up on the idea, so we met. After we met, this is yet another important part.


I clarified that "you have friends in different countries whom you meet and have sexual relations with, am i right to assume?" to which he answered "I do" and "if they'd like to do more than just hang out and talk, then we do."

I stress this point because a couple of my friends, one close and another not-so-close had brought up the fact that Dan was in fact a travelling man, and Caucasian no less, which means he's more open and liberal, etc.

Let me be clear that I was nor am in no way affected that he said he slept around. He was a single man, it's his prerogative to hook up as often as he wants. What I had an issue with was the fact that he never mentioned that he currently still had a girlfriend in the US.

Cheating is one of my least favourite things to contemplate, I just can't comprehend it and if I could make it not exist on the face of this earth, I would.

We met, and then I wrote that long post about him. That was the first time I told him about my blog and I let him know that if he was in any way uncomfortable with it, I would take it down. He said it was a beautiful post, and he allowed it to be, on public internet domain.

The audacity! I'm actually grinning a most perplexed smile. He was that confident that he could keep both me and his girlfriend in the dark, and that he'd never be caught. Dat fricking ego.

Well, of course as it happened, I went to see his "ex-girlfriend's" Facebook, because I was curious, and the world works in mysterious ways, and I believe in God, so I believe God gave me a push, and I saw that they were "back together".

Even up to this point....



According to him: "she asked me to visit when I was coming back to the states" and the rest, as you know, is in the previous blogpost.

Of course it all seemed suspicious, and I managed to send my link across to the ex-girlfriend (whom I really, really hoped was an "ex", I really would have just let it die quietly and left the scene if they'd just rekindled their relationship) but she said they'd never broken up.

That's when my stomach started to curdle and my heart felt like the worst heavyweight.

When D (for dickwad) found out I'd gotten through to his girlfriend, this was what he said.


"Hi Sarah. I'm sorry I betrayed your trust." When he was lying to me to gain my trust, he covered up his lies with so many more lies, but when it was an apology, it was just "hi Sarah. I'm sorry I betrayed your trust."

Ummmm, how bout no. You're not sorry you betrayed my trust, in fact you're not at all sorry to me, you don't feel remorseful towards me. You hate me for publicising your lies and exposing you to your girlfriend. How about that? How about we put you on a lie detector so we can help separate your seemingly compulsive lying from anything that might remotely resemble the truth?


I know I wasn't his girlfriend and I'm not important to him at all, but the fact is, he played us both. Yet he's only "apologetic" towards her, because he's sorry he got caught, he's scared of losing her, whereas of course I wouldn't be a loss to him at all. All of it was lacking in sincerity.

If my boyfriend cheated on me, and treated the other girl like that, when she was just as oblivious as I was, I would dump his ass. Too many times, I think guys use the excuse "it didn't mean anything" which I think would appal me as a girlfriend.

Was she on the same wavelength as you were, when you say "it didn't mean anything"? Did you by any chance lead her to believe it could have meant something? Did you not tell her you were 70% sure you'd be living in Singapore for work? Was that lie just because you couldn't stop lying, or was it to raise the potential of it "meaning something" to the other girl?

I'm sorry (not sorry, actually) that I'm not his girlfriend, but I was collateral damage. I am a human being, I have just as much feelings and a conscience. I was caught in the crossfire, and the moment he realised he was exposed, it was all "girlfriend girlfriend girlfriend you made me realise how important my girlfriend is to me oh yes did I mention I have a girlfriend."

Bullshit. You're a man, and your ego just makes you want to keep something that you could potentially lose. How important was your girlfriend in the 6 weeks you strayed? Where was your respect for her when you fooled around with your "friends" in other countries? Didn't exist.

Wait, so Sarah is no longer a person whose feelings are worth pandering to, her pain is not worth considering, no need for more lies to keep me interested?

I think when men disrespect women as a whole, he's disrespecting me. If he's only trying to mollycoddle me because he knows he's fucked up, then it's too late. He did indeed fuck up.

I also believe girls are not as prone to leave even when cheated on because they buy into the idea of sunk costs. The thing is, sunk costs and missed opportunities always happen in life, and it's never too late to cut your losses.

My mother stayed with my real dad for six years before the divorce, giving him chance after chance, and he strayed again and again, which in my opinion was six years too long. I know why it happened, though, my dad was an intelligent, manipulative, charming, cocky man, and he knew he could get away with it, because he already had.

I know one of my closest friends may read this and feel something, and I must say I don't know how to deal with it. I would never forgive a cheat, but as best friends, I would accept her decision if she accepts my opinion.

It sickens me that guys are much more inclined to up and leave the moment they find out they have been cheated on, and it's again because of their huge egos. They hate being put in second place to another man, and they're all done and ready to find someone new.

In this aspect, I really wish women were more like men. I wish they knew their worth and not to settle for someone who was so blind to it, up till only when they're scared stiff of losing her. Men exploiting female weaknesses. Fuck off, ain't nobody got no time for that.

I don't really care what happens with D, and if I could, I would take the Star Wars chopsticks I got him and gouge his eyes out. Asshole. He's probably thrown away the chopsticks now. Whatever it is, I'm not interested in their story and if they leave me alone, I'll leave them alone.

This is the end to that chapter.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

WHEN I WAS DROWNING

(music: Clean - Taylor Swift)

This is one of the toughest posts I've ever had to write. I wouldn't exactly go with the cliche of that's saying something because I've had to write very difficult things, because I don't remember ever feeling this way.

I'm usually brave with my words and my feelings and I have no qualms about stating things as they are, so by stark contrast, the dread and pain I feel while typing this entire post is overwhelmingly different from what I'm used to.

To be perfectly honest, I feel ashamed of what will be said, and guilty, and remorseful and bashful, but I will go ahead anyway.

At the start of 2015, I'd just gotten out of something romantic and I kinda desperately pined for the guy who was already moving on unceremoniously. I didn't know that he was involved with another girl until way later, but he hadn't said a thing to me. I don't blame him for it now, I guess he and I had called it quits and I wasn't entitled to full disclosure, or whatever.

To help myself get back on my feet, I listened to 1989 a lot, and I started to love every song that was on it. I also did a lip-sync of Blank Space, as well as a "video cover" of Shake it Off. I decided to wear red lipstick whenever possible, to embody everything that Taylor iconised.




In mid-April, I started talking to an American guy who was doing a world trip. He said he was 70% sure he would be living in Singapore sometime this year, and I cross-checked with his workplace (he was featured on their webpage), and indeed the company has a base in Singapore.

We talked about our common interests, so many of them, we had quote-offs of our favourite movies, I giggled at all his nerdy jokes, his silly selfies, and everything that you could slot into a whirlwind romance.

He told me that there was a video of him singing Shake it Off, so I let him see the videos of myself emulating Taylor Swift.




He liked them, and I liked him even more. We sent voice notes, photos, shared opinions on world events, happening in Singapore (Amos Yee) and in the US (Freddie Gray), etc.

One day before we met in May, I found a lady's Facebook profile, and many of her profile pictures were of the two of them together, so I asked him about it. This was his response.


I went through his Instagram, and indeed she seemed to have become inactive in commenting with him, etc. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and we met when he was in Singapore for work.



I fell for him hard and fast, and I wrote a lengthy post about him. He went back to the US, and told me he'd be back in Singapore in August, during which time we would meet again.

By this time, he knew of my recent experience with the guy from earlier this year, and he promised if anything happened with any other girl while he was away, he would be completely honest so that I wouldn't be disappointed.

In the meantime, my workplace moved into a new office, and I decorated the wall of my workspace with Taylor's 1989 Polaroids as well as my own Instaxes from my 25th birthday celebration in May.




Last week, I watched a video of Taylor Swift performing a 1989!version of Love Story at Radio 1's Big Weekend.


I loved it, and I was so sure I'd watch her live. I even tried to see if I could fit one of her US shows in my plans to visit the USA at the end of this year. I was disappointed because by the time I get there, her run of US shows would have been over.

And then, a few days ago, I was on Facebook. I saw on Dan's "ex-girlfriend's" page, that she had changed her profile picture to one of the both of them again. The comments on this one went like "cutest couple ever!" and "congrats on the move to NOLA! one of my favourite places!"

It didn't look like anyone or even the lady was happy that they'd gotten back together, it looked like they were reunited after one of them was out of the country for a prolonged period, and everybody was aww'ing about it.

I confronted Dan about it, and this is what he replied with:



The funny thing is: on 22 June, he'd just arranged an "intimate" FaceTime session with me.



I felt so conflicted when I saw her profile picture change, a mere 12 hours after he'd said this to me. The two things happened practically at the same time for both of us, because they're in a place 12 hours behind Singapore.

I was disgusted. First of all, I'm still not sure whether they'd really broken up while he was away. Second of all, he'd promised to tell me of other girls, yet he was talking dirty to me, whilst simultaneously "getting back together" with his "ex(??)-girlfriend".

I still don't know whether he would have told me had I not discovered it of my own accord and confronted him about it. Third of all, which self-respecting decent man would do this to a girl who's overseas while making the decision to "try" with his girlfriend?

He hasn't contacted me since, and I suppose he's given up on his "Singapore game plan". I told my close friends about this, and many of them were on the "don't tell her" camp, because I don't wanna "be that girl", I don't wanna hurt her, she might not wanna know, etc.

There were a thousand things going through my mind. I wanted to disclose it to her because I'm a feminist, and I always think women should first and foremost always have each other's backs first. I was afraid of being embarrassed in case they were really not together, but I figured if that's the case, then there was nothing to lose, even if I told her.

I thought to myself, be like Taylor. She writes her songs no matter what kind of critique and criticism she would receive, because they were her true feelings, and she owns them. It doesn't matter whether the media distorts her actions and misread her intentions, be sexist towards her, call her a bimbo, etc.

She wrote and sang it all, anyway. So I did the Taylor thing to do.

I did send the ex a long message on Facebook, with screenshots absolving myself and my conscience, but she hasn't "seen" it, it's gone to her Others folder as we're not friends. I did my best. Whatever happens now is out of my hands.

I've been feeling so down and depressed, because I honestly thought even if we didn't work out, he was such a great guy and I wanted to be friends with him. He was helping me plan my US trip for the year-end, yet he betrayed me in the one thing he promised. Now I can't trust him.

And baby, now we've got bad blood.

That very morning, I received a text from Bhavna with a screenshot of an FB teaser of an announcement for Singapore and China.


I know many of you reading this may not believe in God, but I do. I bawled about Dan in the train to work, but when I received this news, the weight in my heart was lifted for the most amazing while. I'd just envisioned last week, that I would watch her live, and now, I really am going to.

On that night, on the way back, I cried again in the train.




This time, however, I decided I'd brave the judgment, and talk about being played for a fool. I sincerely feel a right fool, I'd been so blinded by my feelings for him, and everybody could see it. I feel so embarrassed.

Everybody has been so supportive, though, and of course, of course, listening to Taylor/1989 has helped so much. Tomorrow Tim is gonna help me purchase the tickets with his Amex card, and I'm so glad, so grateful, that for every wrong person that appears in my life, there are about 15 right ones.

Thank you all. Please don't judge me too much.

I think I'm gonna take some time off from dating/guys. It's time to just focus on me, and love me, and own myself.

now that I'm clean,
I'm never gonna risk it

Thursday, June 11, 2015

WHEREVER, WHENEVER

(music: I Wanna Go - Yuna)

This is the continuation to the previous post, which included our first day in Bangkok. I dunno why the photos in this post are gonna be quite crap, I'm not sure what I did with my DSLR. Also I'm tired so my language might also be crap.

We went to this cafe called Greyhound in Central Plaza. I thought of Grey Dog Cafe in NYC, but I'll probably explore that next year. ;)



The ice cubes in their iced tea was made of... tea! So that it wouldn't be diluted when they melt. Freaking genius.




We took a pink cab. :)

At night, we had dinner with Bhavs' Thai friend, Bundit. According to Bhavs, he used to be very into politics and he wanted to change the political scene in Thailand. He and Bhavs knew each other from student council in secondary school in Singapore.

Bundit told us about running for the student body when he was in UCLA, and how he interacted with some top politicians when he went back to Thailand, then changed his mind, seeing how power worked there.

He told us a little bit about the situation with the king and his potential heir/heiress, and then he actually looked around because it is against the law to say anything negative about the kingdom there, etc.

Bhavs kept asking if I was okay, 'cos apparently I wasn't talking as much, but I was just fascinated by Bundit. I think he's a very interesting person, he talked about who owned what in Thailand, etc etc. When I don't talk much, it's usually 'cos I'm intimidated, but also very intrigued by someone.

He was very nice, though. Also, I'm the biggest sapiosexual I know, being knowledgeable is the most attractive quality in my opinion.

After dinner, we went to After You (one of the most popular cafes in Thailand at the moment) for waffles and pancakes!







While Bundit and Bhavs were ordering, Ekta and I took photos because: why not.


Old friends. :)






All our desserts were so delicious. They really bake them to perfection. They were crispy on the outside, tender and melty on the inside, the ice-cream was good, 5-stars-would-definitely-go-back, &c &c.



Bad photos galore!


After Bundit left, we found this enclave of an art exhibition by this guy called Jeremyville.











It was FREAKING ADORABLE!!!! Also: we found a "keep on blogging" one, mad cute.



On our second last day, we had our best meal.


Throughout our trip there, there was something that happened that I may have usually done back in Singapore. I would just like to remind myself that it's okay for people to eat less or eat more than anyone else.

I don't think anyone should feel pressured to eat more or less, based on what your friends are eating. If you're not feeling hungry, then you shouldn't feel pressured to eat as much. If you're feeling hungry, then you shouldn't feel pressured to eat as little as your friends do.

Just eat whatever you wanna eat, and CAN eat!!!! I don't know, we need to stop comparing how much we eat to how much someone else eats, as long as we're sure none of us is starving ourselves. We're all different people, and we have different appetites.

Anyways.



We had a good meal, then we proceeded to Erawan (I think, or the mall beside it) for a massage.




I highly recommend this place. We did a foot reflexology and head/shoulder massage, and it was so good, I kept falling asleep and waking up to find my mouth hanging open lololol.

Also: we went for two massages in Thailand and every time the masseuse's breasts brushed against me, I would feel super strange. Need to figure out where I stand on the Kinsey scale?!?!?!

Post-massage, we had high tea at Grand Hyatt.



Pleasant experience. I loved how you could do all these semi-uppity things in Bangkok for very affordable prices.

I found out an error in the map from my colleagues.



It says the pronouns change based on whom you are talking to (male/female). One of the people we met in Thailand told us it changes based on whom is saying it (male/female). That's all.


This was my loot from Bangkok! I loved it! I didn't buy that much, but I really enjoyed the entire experience of being there.


Ekta and I bought a pair of Toms each, and I left my Vans in the hotel room because they were already old. Act yi-ge rich only, buy new shoes then throw old ones.

Also: I'm still not very assured by the Toms model.

You know the tagline is: "for every pair you purchase, Toms will give a pair of new shoes to a child in need. One for one." Well the standard price for a pair of Toms is $80, and I would say the average reasonable price for cloth shoes like Toms would be what, SG$40, maybe?

Technically, everyone is buying two pairs of shoes, and donating one to the child in need, but Toms makes themselves sound like the bigger people, by "giving a pair of new shoes to a child in need." I mean, dyou get it? They're quite passive in this business model, but they don't make it seem that way.

But whatevs, I mean at least I get comfy shoes and so does some impoverished child, somewhere. CSR: check.



We went to this mall called Terminal 21. Each level was modelled to look like a different capital city of the world.


San Francisco! I might be going here at the end of this year, not sure yet. Dan half-convinced me not to go to NYC for NYE, because it's "obvious and boring" but I complied mostly because I really doubt I'd enjoy NY as much in winter weather. So. NYC may be for spring/summer/fall 2016.



The mall takes their decor super seriously, even the washroom themes.



I saw Bonchon. When we were in Bugis+ before our movie, Dan said he really liked Bonchon chicken and he says there's one in Boston where he lived. They're making the world more homogeneous, it's getting quite, quite unexciting when you travel. IDK. :/

We watched (some passively, some more actively) quite a few movies in our hotel room. White Chicks (I think that's everyone's guilty pleasure, yes???), Finding Nemo, Closer. I saw Laurence Fishburne in small roles in a few movies, and I Googled him, found out he's married to Gina Torres!

...better known as HBIC Jessica Pearson in Suits! Wow, I never knew that. Also, I have a few episodes of Suits to catch up on. Even if the cases are getting stale (actually IDK what's going on anymore), I don't think you could ever get enough of the snappy conversations/soundbites from and between all the characters.

Harvey/Mike/Donna/Louis/Jessica, etc etc. Man, the writers must have a ball getting such witty quips. Gotta get back to watching Suits.

While we were waiting at Don Mueang airport for our flight back to Singapore, we played Heads Up! We tried to do some geeky sciencey stuff. One of the words we had to describe for Ekta to guess was "black hole" so we said "it sucks up everything around it" and Ekta said "vacuum" IDEK why it was hilarious HAHAHAHAHAH.

All in all, it was a brilliant lepak trip, with two other brilliant lepak girls. We were just so lepak the whole time. (Did you know: lepak is part of Oxford dictionary??!?!?! I just found out from Huda!)

On Sunday, I went for Que's and Yani's wedding, with Noran and Lyssa.





(the photography is astoundingly bad, and I'm so sorry I'm not editing them)

Rhel (to me): "b, let's get married."
Me: "huh okay. why?"
Rhel: "we can buy HDB. then I take the master bedroom."

HAHAHA kurang asam sia.

Recently, the media kids from Ngee Ann Poly interviewed Min and myself for & why... They said that I looked like I was also a poly kid, so I instantly took a liking to them (oh they do know the way to a woman's heart) HAHAHAH.


Yesterday when I got home, my grandma was being so adorable and asking me about the video, because she saw snippets linked on my Facebook profile via Instagram posts.



She ran off before I could sneak a photo of her watching it with me. URGH MY NYAI IS A QTPIE.


Anyways, tomorrow onwards, I'm no longer using this laptop. Think I'll miss it, but I'm making way for Maia!

Lemme just upload all the nonsense camera roll shots from this one for now, they usually make look quite nice 'cos shite quality = cannot see imperfections.




(when the office is freezing, I wrap a shawl around my head, inside my hoodie, yep)





The last two were after Ed Sheeran's concert, when I got my last-minute ticket! Oh, I have been through quite a lot with Sephia (this VAIO). :3

I already got paint, and I'm gonna start painting the "subversive" world map on my feature wall this weekend. Yayyyyy these kinda changes, I like. :)

So much love! Especially to my best girlfriends Han, Sha, Tiqs, and Huda, all of whom were excellent company throughout this past week!