Thursday, October 01, 2015


(music: Dead Inside - Muse)

but you're dead inside

I usually do a recap at the end of every year, but I have been through quite a lot the past nine months, I feel like I've learned an entire year's worth of experiences squeezed into three-quarters of the time, making it all feel very intense.

So, I figure it's time to do a review at this moment, and get on with the next three months, without having to look back on the more painful stuff at the end of this year.

At the start of the year, I was very irrationally hung up over a guy called Khairi. I think I'd had some pretty sweet moments with him, and we got along rather well. Also, he was sort of like... someone from similar social standing, and I liked him quite a bit.

He was sort of the first guy I actually could see a pretty real future with, because we liked each other, and he was a Malay Muslim, unlike both my previous Chinese boyfriends, one of whom was an atheist and the other a Christian.

When it ended, I was very bitter and sore and didn't want to accept it and face reality, and I cried and moped a lot. I didn't eat much and lost a lot of weight, and this went on for about two months.

In March, I really wanted to watch Ed Sheeran live although I'd missed the opportunity 'cos his tickets sold out really fast (within one or a few days I think?). I made up my mind to camp out at Star Vista and....

I managed to get a seat, only because Shereen was an absolute angel and sold her ticket to me at the last minute.

Very unexpectedly, I also went for One Direction's concert with Farah (a close colleague) and four of my seven siblings, because of a good friend who gave me all the complimentary tickets. Her job benefits are the best, heheheh.

In any case, I may get stoned for this but it was hands down the worst concert I'd ever been to, I mean maybe because I wasn't even a fan of them and their songs and the music wasn't great live so.... I dunno.

However, I liked that I went to a concert with four of my younger siblings (three are currently much too young) and it might be the only time I get to do so, so it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Lyssa and I have always been fond of shoes but this year definitely takes the cake.

I got myself the Nike airmax 1s City Collection and got the Paris pair, because I aim to live there soon and because no contest, they were the nicest design of the series.

I also got the neon pink superstar supercolor shoes from Adidas.

In a final bid to get over Khairi, I watched his favourite movie (??? I know, it makes no sense to me now either) and really liked it. It was Scott Pilgrim Vs The World and the movie is brilliant and so are the characters, so I dyed my hair and pretended I was Ramona Flowers.

The most ironic thing about my Ramona Flowers stint was that I did indeed get well and truly over Khairi, but a new guy appeared and talked to me because of my hair and he also liked Scott Pilgrim, so we made our first connection over the colours.

And..... that was when another pile of shit started stirring. I now have a criteria: not to date any guy who likes the Scott Pilgrim movie HAHAHAHAHA I may pretend I'm laughing but I'm very serious about this.

Whilst I was getting to know this new guy, I turned 25 and had a brilliant celebration. I could not have spent a better time turning 25. I had a picnic surrounded by many of my most favourite people in life.

I also really like collecting birthday messages, because they contain the nicest well-wishes you could ever find, and so whenever I get really depressed I go back to them and remind myself how fortunate I am to be loved --- here they are, for my 25th:

In May/June, my sister got herself Jake and Finn character boots from Dr Martens. They're characters from Adventure Time, if you're not so inclined.

I went for Rachael Yamagata for the first time, with Vivienne and her longtime friends.

Her humour and music are dark and morbid and self-deprecating but very very amusing (humour) and her songs are so deliciously miserable and well-written. She's one of the most entertaining performers I've ever seen live and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

The day after the concert, I flew to Bangkok with Bhavs and Ekta.

Bangkok was in some ways very much like Singapore, and in other ways, so completely different. I liked being there.

I saw an art panel that called out to me, hehehehehe.

I think this is the part of the year where it all went to shite. The new guy who spoke to me because of my Ramona Flowers hair was cheating on his girlfriend in the US. I tell the entire story in detail in these posts: first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and the seventh.

I guess I was broken because it seemed like he had made such an effort to befriend me, I'd made so much effort to protect myself and ensure that he was a "good guy" and still I was fooled.

In the following weeks and months, there was an outpouring of sympathy and empathy and kindness from all corners, even people I'd never really talked to before. I had good advice from my closest friends as well as people from school a decade back, like Evona and An-Ru and Hisham.

It really reminded me of my last trying period, which was 2011, when my mum was battling cancer. It taught me that for the worst of things that can happen to you, you will also be shown the best of humanity.

The past few months, I've struggled so much: I'd think I was over it, then get fucking pissed off for being used again, get through the wave of depression, then feel so sad and worthless again for having been looked as an object for only the purpose of pleasure, etc.

I only got through it because I had so much light and love being demonstrated to me, I fell and pulled myself back up with their help, I'd stumble and they'd drag me upwards and onwards again, and again, and again.

Pamela brought me to her house to let me play with her kitty, Spirit. This cheered me up in spirits (HEHE) greatly. :)

Delurker, an anonymous (as of now) beautiful soul who's been commenting on my blog on and off for the past few years, sent me actual gifts, which really helped me to heal. I hope to meet her sometime (I also need to find out how she knows my address, did she ask a mutual friend, do I know her??).

In any case, I recently came to the realisation that I may be braver and stronger than some other people may be. We all have cases of low self-esteem from time to time, but I've decided that I'm most definitely stronger than some people who don't seem to have the courage to leave after being cheated on.

I know my self-worth and respect myself enough, and I've always felt so much pride for people who leave cheats, I salute all of them, male or female. I know many, from my workplace to my peers from school to even my family members, and if you have been cheated on and left the relationship, I have nothing but admiration for you.

I would reckon, though I don't know for sure, that some believe that this cheat can change, that it was a lapse in character and that they'd never do it again. I don't know, but if my partner was cheating on me whilst discussing marriage with my family, I wouldn't even believe he loves me.

I deserve better than that, I deserve better than a character of deceit and cowardice, which I believe all cheats are. They like to lie in the dark, never ever revealing their mistake. Imagine if they had to own up to everyone who knows the both of you, that they cheated on you. They would have nowhere to stash all their shame and humiliation. We'll see what they find to hide behind then.

People who are cheated on, you deserve much better. Who would want to be with someone who's been exposed to have cheated? Nobody, except maybe people who have also cheated on others, and then they deserve each other. And maybe that's the case, maybe this girl in particular has been guilty of cheating, and if that is truly it, I have nothing more to say except HAHAHA okay goodbye, please enjoy each other's company.

Some people think there's a lost cost in leaving a long-term relationship, but I will always see my mum as a heroine in this. She was married at least six years, she had already had me and my younger sister Lyssa, but she still left my dad.

She must have been scared and hurt and confused but look what happened. She found my stepdad, who loved her despite finding her with two kids in tow. My stepdad is the most solid rock for the family of five females in our household, he's the perfect balance to my mum's temperament.

I now truly believe if God takes away something from you, even if you don't believe you could love anyone or anything more, you will always be comforted with something better. I am strong and brave enough to let go, and have faith that the future will always have others, have better.

Anyways, then Hari Raya came round and I got to spend time with my extended family and all the adorababies.

Family is family is family and as far as families go, with all the internal crazy and upsets and chaos, I'm still very grateful for mine. I know they will always have my back, and that's the only thing I could hope for in a family.

Guillaume continued to play an important part throughout this past year. From his texts alone, I drew strength but from his photos of life in Europe, I was inspired to visualise my future.

I will always, always look fondly upon memories of Guillaume, regardless of how meeting him turns out, because he's been there for one of the hardest times of my life.

He was cuter when he used to have longish hair when he was younger and still taking part in triathlons, and based on his name, I looked for his online profiles. About 10 years ago, when Harry Potter books were still just being released, he wrote his very long opinions (in his native French) about the half-blood prince theories, etc on forum websites.

I feel like we would have clicked even as the younger versions of ourselves, and I find him so adorable when he was still passionate about things and not as jaded as he is now.

Such a Good Guy, G.

I celebrated Hari Raya with my paternal family, Jaella turned 1 and again I was surrounded by adorababies and kids, and I took that series of "model" photos when I was up in KL with my immediate family for the long holiday weekend in August.

I may not have had the best experiences with guys, but I do have the best family, whether blood-related or through my workplace and of course, my family of best friends from school.

G knew of how I was drawing from Taylor Swift and her songs to get me through the year, and he kept singing lines to make light of it.

On the other hand, G is also a fan of Muse and he's been re-introducing me to them. Last Saturday, I went to one of the musically best concerts I've ever been to. Here is how it panned out:
I am also beyond glad I went for the Muse show after all, it was fucking amazeballs. It didn't start off well, with technical difficulties resulting in the standing ticket gate opening at 7.40pm although doors are supposed to open at 7pm, a not-very-appreciated opening act, then another hour's wait till 9.30pm, though show had been due to start at 8pm.

Standing in the pit with tons of other Muse fans, belting out their hits, trying to make vocal sounds along to the drum beats, the basslines, the riffs, not being very sure whether to follow Matt's high or deep voice at times, jumping and headbanging and all.

I haven't even really listened to their new album Drones but everybody who has been to a Muse concert has been right so far, they and their music just sound so good and electrifying live, it was impossible not to appreciate and enjoy.

Definitely enjoyed seeing the live performances of Plug In Baby, Supermassive Black Hole, Hysteria, Resistance, Uprising, Starlight, Time is Running Out, Psycho, and their finale Knights of Cydonia (recognised by many due to the harmonica at the start).

I yelled my request for Butterflies and Hurricanes despite knowing it wasn't on the setlist, but some others seemed to signal their approval at my attempt.

I am so glad I wore a sports bra today, all that jumping and moshing (stranger's boobs to stranger's backs to stranger's boobs to stranger's back) in the pit was the most exercise I've gotten this month.

"it's a new dawn / it's a new day / it's a new life for me" and "no one's gonna take me alive"
For the first time in a concert, I didn't take a single photo or video. I tried once, but I dropped my phone (the old one) and for a split second, I actually considered letting it go because it was so squeezy and I was so scared my hand would get stampeded.

I bent down and saved my phone, kept it and enjoyed the show, though. Despite not having any material evidence, the music was smashing and the experience is still vivid in my memory, and I can only attest with words, as to how fucking amazing Muse was as a live act.

Speaking of concerts, back to Taylor Swift, whom I'm going to see on Nov 8 this year. Pretty much everybody knew of how much of a Swiftie I was, and even people I did not know, do not know, were sending me codes to win the meet-and-greet passes to her concert, after my post was shared by my friends on Facebook.

People whom I had never really talked to, among the likes of Srija, Hafifah, Nay, and Alena's friend Ramzul sent me codes from the Cornetto ice-creams, and Yanping got me the same Taylor Swift biography that my workplace had gotten me for my birthday.

I love that I have two copies of the same Swift book, I feel like it's a good sign. ;P

Before this year, I'd never owned any Apple products, although my family had iPod Touches a few years ago. This year, I switched to using a MacBook and finally, just last week, I got myself an iPhone 6s. I guess you can say everything changes.

I kept wanting to change my possessions, especially the ones that had been seen/touched by Khairi and Dan. I even cut my hair short, yet again. It was to remove anything that could possibly carry negative vibes of them.

New wallet, newish laptop, new phone. New life. ;P

I still have nightmarish dreams sometimes, but Nicole taught me the most revolutionary way of looking at it.

She said it makes her more appreciative of reality and I don't know how I never thought of that??? I always felt burdened by my dreams because they tire me out and they seem to signal that my subconscious is full of shite thoughts and feelings.

After Nicole's pep text, I realised I may not be able to control my dreams, but conversely, I am very much able to control whatever factors I am in charge of in my life, and that is something I should feel happy about.

I changed to my iPhone partly because I was trying to take a hiatus from Guillaume, since he started dating a girl, whom it's been going well with.

The weird thing is he was one of my saved contacts, although I lost all the rest that I'd saved in my SIM. I don't know, maybe he's just really going to be a solid friend throughout and be there for me.

I was being selfish about G, but I think I'm slowly letting go of such selfish thoughts.

Sometimes I wish he would have waited for me to be there. We've planned things we could do together on dates etc, and right now, just before I'm making my move over to Paris, he found someone else.

It seems unfair, but if it hadn't been for the timing, it could have been something else that messed it up. And if God takes something away, He will replace it with something better. So I don't worry anymore.

I've learnt that there's no use in planning too far ahead, I need to constantly remember to live in the moment, because I can control the factors within that moment, but there are way too many factors that I can't change about the future. I don't even know if I'll live to see the days I'm planning for.

In any case, I tendered my resignation letter already (I'm really going to miss this workplace and work family, it's bittersweet after two years) and I'm gonna go for an intensive crash course at Alliance Fran├žaise before I leave the country.

I don't know how long I'll work in Paris, but I'm hoping, if all things go well in future, to stay at least a year. I've always wanted to settle down in Paris. I think it may be because it's my mum's dream destination, and she still hasn't been there, and nor have I, so it became my dream too, and hopefully, the dream of dreams is to fly her there one day to see how and where I live and work.

My lip-syncing videos to Taylor Swift's songs may pay off:

I'm one step closer to a meet-and-greet, but I think the results are decided by voting (zzzz popularity contest), so we'll see how that goes.

I feel like it's been a hell of a year (pun completely intended), but I've come out on top. I have more respect for myself, I will become more discerning of the people (especially men) I keep as company, I'm going to live in the moment and not worry so much about the future.

I would like to thank everybody for the nice and kind words and time and thoughts and vibes and well-wishes and generous things you've done for me.

You know who you are, but here's just a short mention in absolutely no particular order except how they appear in my head (some of you have really made a bigger impact on me than in this order): Mum, Lyssa, Oni and Amy, my grandmas and aunts, Kak Dila, Kak Ina, Kak Syafiqah, Aqilah and Arina, my best friends Han and Sha and Tiqs, Paulina and Rose, Viv, Nicole and Dana, Huda, my guai-kias from TP; Andrea, Cuifen, Pearlyn, Tim and Kelsen, Reen, Chloe, Shereen, Bhavs, Ekta, Freya, Jamie, Azryl, Yanping, Alena, Srija, Hafifah, Nethra, Khalis, Guillaume (I don't know if he'll ever read this but I will always treasure him), my bosses and friends at work; Nora, Noran, Siti, Zahra, Dash, Nazryn, Farah for helping me pray, Min, Faz, Pamela and a little of her kitty Spirit, Kellynn for the opportunity to write and my editor Cat (IDK if I thought of Cat because of Pam's cat but whatevs brain just go), Irene, Ariel, Zahidah, Evona, Hisham, An-Ru and Oiman and Delurker for sweet messages when I was down and this list is really not exhaustive I hope I didn't forget anyone and I'm sure there are more people that may not have expressed it but thought and hoped for me to become and feel better.

Thank you, thank you, thank you all.

To Khairi for leading me up to watching Scott Pilgrim, and leading me to Daniel Grayson, and to Dan, for being the most two-faced biggest piece of shit I've met in my life, leading me to become so much stronger and equipping me with a better sense of self-protection and self-preservation in life.

I've learned a lot from the past nine months of 2015, and here's to a better final quarter, and a more peaceful and content 2016. Alhamdulillah, Bismillah, InsyaAllah, Amin.