Thursday, October 02, 2014


(music: Sara Bareilles)

and I meant it

So tonight was finally the Sara Bareilles concert! I wore a little black dress 'cos that's what the tour is called, after one of her songs, Little Black Dress.

I think my sister Aqilah is really getting better at taking photos, there is an equal number of blurry photos and focused photos! :P

I went alone but I am grateful for two friendly girls, Desiree and Chu Yi, talking to me. Chu Yi really reminded me of Rebecca (Chia) whom I know really wanted to go for the concert, but I think she's in Japan or something now?

Misty Boyce was the opening act for Sara. It was the first time I was listening to Misty, and I got totally hooked on her song Not a Wasted Love.

Sara is adorbz. She has such brilliant stage presence, indulges the audience in humorous banter:

-- "oh it's your birthday? I have one too!"

-- or when someone asked whether she remembered them, she was sarcastically generic and said "oh yes, of course, we met in That City, said our names, we both... wore clothes!"

-- or like even when she didn't hear what people were saying, she would say "oh yes I know! all the things! I know all the things! I agree!"

She covered Chandelier. It was mesmerising, as her covers always are. I filmed it for Huda, mostly.

And then!!!! She said, someone in the audience had a special surprise, and he was feeling nervous, so everybody guessed that it was a proposal before Sara would perform I Choose You, and it was true!!! They were right behind me!!!

His name is Fir (I would guess Firdaus) and hers is Hafiza.


Sara asked what the girl's name was to congratulate them, but she didn't catch it or couldn't pronounce Hafiza, so she just exclaimed, "WELL CONGRATULATIONS!"


So she sang I Choose You. ALL THE FUCKING FEELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Given that I'm such a feminist, I will probably propose to a man. If I can find one to marry. (Hmmmmm...)

Sara's laughter! :')

She divided us into sections to "compete-sing" the chorus.

And my favourite happy song Brave!!!!!!!!!! I wish she would have performed 1000 Times, because I really just wanted to scream, "Sara, you can come back to Singapore a thousand times!" but she didn't. In any case, I wouldn't even have needed to scream. I was two rows away and you know how loud I am.

Gravity, filmed for Irene. It reminded me of Blob. The sadness and melancholy are gone, but this song will just always remind me of him. He was somewhere in the audience too, but I didn't bump into him. I wonder whether this was his favourite performance. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Sara was just nothing short of brilliant. Musically on point, amusing, interactive, genuine, SUCH LOVABLENESS.

After the concert, I rambled on to G about it, the way I did after Pentatonix.

So apparently he's seen me through two concerts, and possibly another one after Jason Mraz in November. YES!!!!! (geddit? 'cos that's his new album name? lol shuddup Sarah)

I wanted to tell Reza too, but he hasn't been seen on Whatsapp forever (okay... since afternoon) so I figured there was no point.

It was such a good concert, and I am so Blessed (geddit because OH SHUT UP SARAH) but really I thank God and my friends and all circumstances for allowing me to have already watched Ingrid, Jason, Sara, and next Jason again! My musical holy trinity!

It's been such a good year for music for me. I loved Yuna, loved PTX, loved loved loved Sara, and will probably love Mr A-Z again, with my best friend!!!!!!

YAY ALHAMDULILLAH FOR ALL THE THINGS!!!!!!! #happythankyoumoreplease

Tomorrow I go back to my dilemma of two guys, both of whom know about each other, as I keep reassuring myself to believe I didn't exactly land myself in this situation. At this moment, I feel like I need G more because he's stable and we're so familiar so he provides me with peace and calm.

On the other hand, I feel attracted to Reza too because it seems he might have similar issues to mine, and maybe it's just me, but I think girls love having something to fix. I don't know if that's the way to go, because if both of us are issue-laden, it might just create more chaos. I dunno.

In any case,


*dances in my sleep*

Wednesday, October 01, 2014


(music: Girls Chase Boys - Ingrid Michaelson)

you play me
now I play you too

I love Ingrid. And Sara. And Jason.

Last night, I went to meet Reza again.

I think I've gotten all my crazy commitment-phobic shit out of my system. I told him the truth, that I pushed him away because I was scared of developing more feelings for him. He's still okay with seeing me, so (you don't even understand half the crazy things I texted him). Who am I to complain???

What would I do without Han, tho? I don't think guys know just how crucial best friends are to the entire equation of romantic relationships.

My mother seems to think Reza is my personal driver or something.

She created a ship name for us. This upsets me, because I've known G for way longer and she didn't give us a ship name!!!!!! But also: my mother creates ships for the guys in my life, and therefore my mother is way, way, waaaay cooler than yours???

This morning, my parents were at it about maintenance money.

It's always been the same. Sometimes I just don't understand it. That amount my father is supposed to foot for Lyssa (no longer for me since I'm not a minor) is so small, it can't be counted as "doing his part as a father".

Even Lyssa knows it. She's very close to our stepdad and treats him as a real dad (which is good, I mean, since he is a very responsible dad towards us) and the relationship between Lyssa and our real dad.... leaves much to be desired.

It's like. That money. What even is the symbolism of it? What is it supposed to represent? Lyssa can't even talk to our dad without me being in the picture. I'm the messenger because I'm the one talking to both our parents.

Sometimes money just makes no sense to me.

Last night, Reza talked about how the majority of Singaporeans are willing to take out loans to get products that are luxuries and not necessities, like cars and houses, etc. It's kinda attractive when someone is unaffected by material things, like you won't be stuck in an endless chase.

The thing is I kinda am that person to G? Remember the time he spent 5000 Singapore Dollars on a Cartier watch, and I rambled and ranted at him for nights on end, because there's so much more that could have been done with that money??? (like: FLY ME TO PARIS)

Guillaume is sorta materialistic, he likes the finer things in life, and he's always complaining to me about how hard he works at his job and how tiring it is. He tells me he wants a yacht and a house with a garden, so he can keep a cat.

It stresses me out too. I keep asking him why the heck he thinks he needs a yacht and a big house, to be "happy". I think it's just the lifestyle he was brought up with. His parents are currently living in a house with two cats, just outside of Paris, so I guess that's what he's aspiring to.

We were joking about our plans to live in a stranded island, just the two of us, with all the books we want, and a cat to keep us company. He said he wouldn't mind leaving behind all his possessions because he's kinda a solitary person, but he was worried I couldn't do it, because I have too many ties with too many people.

He got me right there. For someone who doesn't have a direct link with my life (no social media contact whatsoever), he knows I meet up and maintain relationships with many different people. I love my friendships with people.

I feel like people are capable of a lot of love, and as non-religious as I am, I do believe in God. I feel like God shows His love through people, and sometimes I really feel closer to God through other people (I'm pretty sure that's not a Muslim school of thought, it's just my own philosophy).

We talked about it in theory for quite some time, though, and I was convinced that I would be pretty darn contented on a deserted island with G, a cat and our books, even if it means not having contact with anyone else.

Sara Bareilles in t-8 hours.

Monday, September 29, 2014


(music: Little Black Dress - Sara Bareilles)

Yesterday afternoon, Han and I made impromptu plans to go to a park for a lunch of sandwiches, and Sha also went, leaving out our doctor-to-be, Miss Tiqs.

It was such a simple yet enjoyable time with my girls. I will always, always be thankful for them. Thank God for blessing me with the most brilliant of people to understand and accept all my crazy.

At night, we headed for the chalet to celebrate all the September babies' birthdays in my extended family.

BBQ wings and stingray beats everything.

(Face has been blocked out because my mum thinks she "looks ugly" in it, I don't even know.)

My mother offers me a sausage, I tell her I don't like sausages. She says I like the other kind. I said "yeah, the thicker kind" and she says "the longer kind". Pin all my dirty-mindedness on her, thank you. But also, I really say much more than I do, hahahaha.

My aunts and grandma were talking about nonsensical topics that stemmed from periods and God-knows-what kind of panties that need to be tied and with frills, etc. They be cray. Nyai's headline of the night, "kalau small-small, okay lah can. sekarang dah big-big."

Nyai is the cutest.

I carried baby Rayyan for a bit. His newfound hobby is sucking his entire palms. Adorable.

Then I played with Eva at the basketball court and entertained her rambling (which I didn't understand but was also very adorable). We went running around after cats, which she aggressively sayanged (the poor cat tho). I love kids who aren't scared of animals. Then Eva and I played semi-basketball, semi-soccer.

I lay down on the court and looked at the sky, which was starless, thanks to our light pollution. It was a nice place to just hang, especially with Eva being as curious about what on earth I was looking at. She's a bright kid, that one.

I told Reza I didn't wanna have kids. It's such a lie. I do like kids, and I do want them. And I don't know why I pushed him away. I'm scared of commitment and of responsibility. I'm scared of being a bad parent, and of abandoning them. I guess I could pin it on my dad, but I'm mature enough to make my own choices in life.

When we're at home and I start rambling about Reza (who is just about the most Muslim-centric guy I know, I cannot picture us together), Lyssa looks at me with a pitying look. She said "it's okay to make mistakes, kak. everybody makes mistakes."

Which means she thinks my pushing Reza away is a mistake. ARGH I am a basketcase and I need to get through my issues.

As we left the chalet, I received a text from Shahida.

She already got the tickets this morning, treating me to Jason Mraz in November. #happythankyoumoreplease The last time I went for Mraz was also with her in 2012.

Thank you God, for blessing me with the best of friends and family.

Two nights to SARA BAREILLES LIVE! I AM ECSTATIC WITH EXCITEMENT. I also think it might be nice to meet Blob before/after the concert, but who knows. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. THE POINT IS SARA.


Have a good week ahead, y'all. So Much Love from Sarah Mei Lyana!

Saturday, September 27, 2014


I've been having really bad sleep for the past few days.

I woke up at almost 5pm today, then zoned out on my bed, until Lyssa came home with a meal and Ben & Jerry's ice-cream to cheer me up. She really is the person I love most in the entire world.

Last night I went out with Reza again, after pushing him away last Friday.

The meaning of "we accept the love we think we deserve" from Stephen Chbosky's The Perks of Being a Wallflower might only be settling in now. Now. Now.

I don't think I'm good enough. I will never be good enough.

I'm scared my life will be like that joke from The Pursuit of Happyness, the one Chris Jr tells his dad.
"Hey dad, you wanna hear something funny? There was a man who was drowning, and a boat came, and the man on the boat said "Do you need help?" and the man said "God will save me". Then another boat came and he tried to help him, but he said "God will save me", then he drowned and went to Heaven. Then the man told God, "God, why didn't you save me?" and God said "I sent you two boats, you dummy!"
What if I keep pushing away people through whom God tries to help me? Hmmm.

I don't know how to love anymore. It has been years, and the most comfortable I am is with a man six hours behind us, whom I don't have to touch, don't have to account my time for, don't have to commit to.

I think I am psycho. Lyssa says I'm psycho, and I should stop playing with Reza's heart. Well. I guess ending it sooner rather than later is better then.

There is a United match tonight, and I wish I could watch it with him.

He said he was bracing himself for a long message after seeing me last night. I thought I could break out of the long-message thing but then I really did send him a few long messages this morning hahaha. I'm a psychopath.

The weird sleep and the sudden sugar high and the everything makes me feel sick. In my stomach and in my head.

I don't like being an anchor and a heavyweight to anyone.

Still. I am grateful that I only have first world problems. I'm gonna go zone out some more.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014


So today, G showed for the first time, a slight insecurity about my meeting Reza.

He calls him the motorcycle guy.

Today I learnt a lot of French profanities, hehheh.

Re: the above, "will you take care of me?" This man!!! He doesn't usually display his vulnerable side and he also doesn't like to show any dependence on me because we're both very uncertain of our future, but now that he knows I'm seeing another guy, suddenly it's WILL YOU TAKE CARE OF ME?


At the exact same time, I was also texting Reza who was also being manja and asking me to read to him, which I actually found a brilliant idea. I'd rather have Reza read to me, though. His voice would make the dryest of subjects interesting. ♥_♥

I really have no idea what I'm doing.

G is scared of committing to anything since we've never actually formally met. Yet he tells me about his family, work, friends, and knows about my family, work and friends. We're just waiting till I get to fly to Paris to see if our chemistry plays out the same in real life, but we don't know when that will be.

So he's letting me go out with Reza. I kinda like Reza, but I've known G ten times longer, so I trust G so much more. Reza doesn't give me much chance to trust him. Some questions I ask him, he just drops it and doesn't give me a direct answer.

It's very different from G who was unguarded in letting me get to know him, because to G and myself, it's like "it's okay, we don't have to put any pressure on each other, if we find out things we can't accept, then we just won't meet in real life, that's all."

With Reza, I think he's scared of colouring my impression of him if he tells me certain things. He just has this air of ~mystery~ which I hate, because I can't get to know the real him if he has walls built up.

I feel like since they both know I'm texting both of them, they might be doing the same thing and texting other girls. I think that's also fine by me, given that none of us are exclusively committed. I would rather be on a level playing field and know about it, and since I let them know, they'd better inform me too.

The bottomline is I think I will probably have to choose sometime, regardless of whether it's before or after I meet G in Paris in real life. Someone's bound to get hurt and I think it may well be me. I'm scared I will be that greedy dog who's tempted by the reflection of meat in the water, and drops the chunk in its mouth.

Maybe nothing will firm up with either of them and I'll go through my travels and be single and independent the way I envisioned it. Ah welllllll. It's way too early to tell anything. What happens, happens. What doesn't, doesn't.

You know what I've realised though? You would really get to know anyone better through their Tweets (link to my Twitter is on the tab on the right). I have Tweets about getting angry at G for not doing something really basic. I Tweeted about some insane irrational jealousy with Reza.

It's like all the little things that happen which are not enough to warrant a blogpost but can be spewed out at the moment in 140 characters. If you lack entertainment material and would like more chronicles of G versus Reza, you can follow my dilemma on @misspinkalot.

SEVEN DAYS TO SARA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The funny thing is, neither G nor Reza knew who she is.

On the other hand, my ex-boyfriend of almost 3 years, B (yes the Christian one from the star-crossed lovers phase of my life) also loves Sara and may probably be going for the concert too (I'm not sure). I wonder what will happen if I meet him there.

I'm not really affected by him, anymore, I know he's happily attached and that's good for him. We used to love her together though. How so very strange. Whatever happens in life, it will always pass.