Thursday, July 23, 2015


(music: Shades of Cool - Lana Del Rey)

and when he calls
he calls for me, not for you
he lives for love, he loves his job
he loves his baby too

but I can't fix him, can't make him better
I can't do nothing about his strange weather

'cos you are invincible
I can't break through your world

This might be a longass post, or it might not be. I'm not sure yet. It probably will be, to end off July.

Last week, I celebrated my second Raya with the I am... family.

Hai Cik Siti, tersengih-sengih. ;P

Budak I am... Kalau tak mentel, tak sah. Hehehe.

So anyway, it's a Raya post, meaning it's selfie galore!!

If I look tired, it's because I was/am... Tired from life... But I'm steadily getting better. There are many reasons why 28 is my favourite number. One of them is that it's been scientifically (clinically?) proven that it takes 28 days to make or break a habit.

It has been almost 28 days since the disappointing truth was first made known. They say if you can make it through 28 days, you can get through any other length of time. So, Godspeed, may the first 28 days pass and then never again.

Look at Lyssa's contemptuous face. She was pissed off 'cos of her headscarf that my mum chose or something. It's always the same on Raya mornings, lololol.

Next time I take a photo of my parents, I think I need to remind the stepdad to smile.

We got to Cik Mas's house where it was kiddy bonding time!

Pwincess Zara. Peace! So cute! She gets so much bubblier when her brother is around.

Izwan's Lego collection. The funniest thing we observed was when this kid from a distant family that none of us recognised, started playing with Izwan's toys and making a mess of his cars/whatever. Izwan used to be very territorial over his toys and would throw tantrums but this time, he saw the stranger boy, muttered "oh my gosh" and went back to his room, trying to ignore what was going on.

So cute! 9-year-old maturity.

Rayyan Fikri the Confucius-ish boy was highlight of the day.

For some reason, his Chineseness reminds me of Blob/Wei-Xun, lolol. I remember this story he told me about when he was a baby boy, super cute. I think he'd know what the heck I'm thinking about.

This is a poorly lit, poorly composed photo but they are my immediate family, who can be insane at times, but I love so dearly.

Aqilah wanted to try using Dash's 50mm lens (which I used with my Canon DSLR body), so she took photos of us. I have decided this is the only angle I'm gonna take photos of myself in. ;P

This is us trying to do Sarang's face. It's a running meme in our family.

My mum sent us a photo of her doing the face while at work, hahahaha so crazy qt??? Also yes my mother is a policewoman, that's why I grew up trying to break every single rule possible. :P

Also also: you hurt me and my mother will come after you. Someone said he liked his women fierce/feisty like Mulan. Here you go. This is where I got it from. Enjoy our fierceness. :)

What's my Nyai looking at???

What's Nyai looking at, srsly???

Most of the time, I was just listless. I think some of my family members might have wanted to ask how I was/what had happened, but they ended up giving me pitying looks and not saying anything hahaha. You're all free to ask, I'm very open to talking. I love talking, heh.

Oh but my cousin and Mum said I looked sunken like I'd lost a lot of weight. YESSA. One plus point to depression. ;P (only kidding, I've started eating regularly!)

Second day was very pink across my extended family!

AW man I really wish I'd focused this in time.

We spent the second night at Wak Misah's house, eating. I think one of our parents made a dirty joke across their siblings, at which Hazwani, Faiz and I heard (we're all 25) and wished we hadn't heard. It's always gross when you think of your parents doing it???

Lololol but I love my dirty crazy family. We are a good, lovely family.

On the third day, I was pink again. I swear none of the outfits were my choice, my mum picked out everything this year and I guess she just wanted to indulge my vibes??? ;)

I wish I looked this good everyday but no, man, even this is too much makeup for me. Also, my eyes get dry with contact lenses very easily, which is why I'm aiming for Epi-Lasik sometime soon.

I have "all you need is love" painted on my wall, and someone once told me he had the entire The Beatles discography. Now I can't listen to The Beatles without being reminded of him. Thanks for spoiling everything for me, jerk.

I have a beautiful family, most of the time, and I thank God for them.


All photos of work and family, up on Facebook by this weekend!


There has been a lot of negativity on my blog of late, so I thought to balance it out, I wanted to tell you of one person (out of the many of you angels) who has been injecting positivity into my life.

For hours of days of weeks on end, he kept me company through my dejection. When it was past midnight here, he'd text me to sleep or to eat or to generally take care of myself, because he knew I wasn't.

I needed to distract myself, so I thought of what to send him for his birthday.

Once upon a time, when I was friends with both guys, I told them both that they reminded me of each other because their birthdays are only 3 days apart, with G being very proud that he shares the same 15th August birthday as his idol, Napoleon. Lol, silly man. *rolls eyes*

Now I realise that though characteristics may be similar, they are nothing alike. G would never make a decision to wilfully hurt another person, whereas the other man only thought of himself and hurt even the person(s) he cared very much about.

As Dumbledore said, "it is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." It is so apt that I'm quoting Harry Potter, a book series he didn't enjoy, because the writing is "too simplistic". Oh there are many lessons you could have picked up from it, like how to be a decent person.

I decided on a Game of Thrones etched chopping board as well as a Stark sigil flash drive, filled with things that were suitable for G. He likes Game of Thrones, and once upon a time, he called me Khaleesi, hehehehe. If I could be anyone from the series, I'd be the dragon mistress, clearly.

Imma ask my dragons to breathe fire on you.

He likes his early birthday gifts. :)

(They are also bribes/tokens so I have a place to stay when I'm in Paris, ahahahaha. He knows this. I told him and he said there was no need for me to do such a thing. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

I'm super glad he likes the card. I love how he's so supportive of everything I do and write, even if it's nonsense ramblings.

The past weeks, he's really been distracting me with more talk than usual, I think he knows I needed a friend throughout so he's been there.

He's fond of saying "I shouldn't be alive!!" although he's never watched the show. I wanted to show Lyssa the screenshot but she didn't wanna see, lololol.

I learnt about a French writer called Celine. If you know me, you'd know I love sponging information off other people. If I get to learn from you, then I like you, lol.

I really like learning about French culture and French experiences from him, hopefully to prepare me for my own stint in France one day.

Recently I realised we've gone past a year of friendship, and we haven't done anything but text. I don't even have his email (I creeped and found his Facebook hehehe, but I'm not up to adding him yet). I haven't even heard his voice, but we have been friends for more than 365 days!

This world is amazing!!!!!!!!

He knows I'm a feminist, and I occasionally complain because the "feminine" words in French are usually "weak" and signify something demure or pure. So last week, he introduced the word that means pimple, and said it was masculine. HEHEHEHE.

He's taken to calling himself my gay best friend, although he's not gay (but who knows), because he doesn't wanna hurt me.

We are on very safe grounds even when we meet. I'm taking a break from dating guys, and he's seen me through too many dates, he thinks I'm fragile and doesn't wanna do anything to hurt me. He's been there through D, Khairi, and even Reza.

OMAGA, this G man could really be my new male best friend. He can share the title with Timothy.

I just want to say. For someone who rambles on in text, with someone who hates technology and his phone (he's a legit dinosaur), he has tolerated a lot of my ramblings, and responded to me just to make me feel better. I don't know how I made a French "gay" best friend I've never talked to, but sometimes kindred spirits exist, and I am grateful for it.

Prettyboy at a wedding 12 months ago (today I just learnt that he has to wear glasses! The vainpot has never worn his glasses in all his photos?!). I was also at my cousin's wedding at the same time. Amazing. 12 months.


Today I was clearing out my phone because a lot of junk accumulates when you're in charge of your workplace's three social media accounts. -.-

I was going through the photos when I saw the Singlish notes that I'd made, as well as photos of him when we ate together. It made me so fucking mad!!!!!!!!!!! I have since deleted them so there is no longer any trace of him in my phone but still! It was such a anger trigger!

Dear everyone, if you see this man in Singapore, please punch or slap or scratch him and tell him it's from me. Korang pergi bantai sama dia. This is especially to all my educator friends, especially those placed in JCs. I could even tell you his last place of residence in Singapore, so hopefully he doesn't stay there again.

This is just a reminder that Singapore is my turf/territory, and now I control the game. You no longer dictate the terms. You fucking asshole. How dare you hold hands with me and make me feel safe and wanted. You are scum.

Sometimes I get very bothered by all the things that I like that he told me he liked too. I finally watched Fantastic Mr Fox because we were supposed to watch it together when he was back here in August, and I couldn't really bring myself to enjoy it, of course.

I hate seeing Ben in Parks & Rec, because he always wears plaid, which I used to like so much about him. I can't listen to Lana Del Rey without sighing in exasperation. At the start of our acquaintance, he asked me for recommendations to listen to, after he was done listening to Vampire Weekend. I said I'd only been listening to LDR and Taylor Swift's albums, at that moment.

He said he loved Born to Die, that it had a "familiar feel, while bringing about something completely new" and I agreed with him. I hate Snapchat because he loved it, I uninstalled it, hahahah. I hate seeing Bonchon Chicken, I hate walking past Bugis+ (reminder: never go on dates near your workplace).

My sister Lyssa keeps saying for me to do all those things and not be afraid of them, not to give them/him the power but it's so much easier to hate them and avoid them. :(

I'm trying, trying, trying to purge everything out before 28 days are up. Sometimes I still go back to disgusting dark thoughts, that I am only good to men for lust and leering, that I will never be enough to love, that I'm the alternative to what's safe.

Spooner Rd is no longer my favourite in Singapore.


This is Dash the designer. He's going back to LaSalle in August to get his design degree and I will really miss him. He's been such a bro to me. :(

He was using some chrome tape or whatever to "zhng" his iPhone case, and then he freaking lit up when I allowed him to do whatever shit to my phone. He was like, "really?!" and then he began giving my Samsung cover racing stripes???

Then he said, now that our covers are metallic, our iPhones have special abilities like faster charging or whatever crap. This son of mine....

Speaking of children, this week my "daughter" Noran is leaving I am... because she's too busy.

She baked brownies, yum yum. My family members are all leaving the nest!!!! The mother needs to fly away sometime soon, too!

In the meantime, breathe because this too shall pass.


This morning, I got woken up by Lyssa telling me she was on Nicki Minaj's side for the whole VMA/Twitter commotion.

After Taylor responded to this with a "I've never done anything but support and love you" Nicki changed her tack and said this:

And this caused a lot of the virtual world to break out into their "Taylor's seeking attention again" tone, so much so that Taylor removed her Tweets.

Let me just kinda break it down to you, what went on. Nicki says "if your video celebrates women with very slim bodies, you will be nominated for vid of the year" with ten million snarky smileys. This must mean she's taking a jab at one of the other nominees. Logical deduction or no?

So let me break it down further to you.

I actually watched every one of the nominated videos. There are no "women with very slim bodies" in any of them, except in Taylor's Bad Blood. Is it that much of a logical leap to believe that it was indeed a jab at Taylor, after which she made it sound like Taylor made it a big deal about her ie. hustling???

Fuck you Nicki Minaj. Can we address the fact that your supposed video which "revolutionised pop culture" has the lyrics "my anaconda don't want none unless you got some buns, hun"? Can we talk about how disgusting it is that your video is about men who don't want women with no meat on them?

How about fuck all men and their standards for women? How about women, whether bony or bootylicious, shouldn't be objectified for men's pleasure? How about I couldn't even get through your entire damn video, let alone live on a planet for which it could be nominated for Video of the Year (never mind the fact that nobody really cares about the awards)?

Goddamn, you'd think Nicki Minaj had never heard of feminism prior to the damn video. "Reclaim your sexuality" all you want, the fact of the matter remains that there is a sample refrain sung by a MAN in your song, which legit leads to women feeling like it's better to have buns, just for the sake of "anacondas".

Get the fuck out. This world has enough men bringing women down, without you joining in with them, idiot.