2011 has been such a year. I wouldn't categorise it as a good or bad year, wouldn't be able to. It's had ups and downs, but that's life; there's the good with the bad, the happy and the sad, and there's no changing anything but the way you feel about it.

One of the most significant things of 2011 has to be discovering my mother's stage 3 breast cancer. Life is now sorted into "before cancer" and "after cancer", honestly and seriously. When we first found out, I was angry at her because she'd delayed going for a check-up for at least two months, telling herself it would be nothing.

It wasn't nothing, and it had escalated to stage 3, possibly in the two most recent months during which she'd already felt the lumps. It's been about four to five months since the diagnosis though, and now we've already kind of accepted and settled into the treatment and dealing with it part.

You know, there's a saying that a cliché is only a cliché because it's true. And that saying is true.

Every cloud has a silver lining (though I don't know who came up with this, WHO EVER SAW A REAL CLOUD WITH A SILVER LINING?) or even the worst events may be a blessing in disguise, or whatever, take your pick of similar clichés.

I think my mindset and I have changed ever since I realised my mother has cancer and I understood the ultimate mortality of everything and everyone. One could even go so far as to say the cancer was to teach me a lesson.

I used to complain a lot, about transport and living standards and the government and the lack of money and not having Internet WiFi connection everywhere and not having the best and latest phone and gaining weight and basically, whatever I had to complain about, I probably would have.

Of course I haven't stopped complaining completely, but I suppose I have toned it down by some. Now, most days, I realise life is a blessing and a privilege and I shouldn't waste it by whining about what it's not.

I am actually internally glad if I get to complain about the queue for bus 969 at Tampines interchange winding around forever because at least it means i) I am in Singapore and no matter what, the bus service will get me home and ii) I am not in Rwanda or Iraq or Thailand or whatever, where there is perpetual war or the traffic is always a bitch or there is a protest going on somewhere and people lose their lives.

You see? The problem those people have is facing actual problems whereas my problem is not reading enough newspapers to be aware of other people's problems. Compared to them, I obviously do not even really have a problem.

I definitely am not glad my mother has cancer, but being faced with the idea of mortality, I became much more appreciative and grateful towards life. The odds were against my mother, and they are against my sisters and myself, so lest anything happens, I might as well make the best of what I am and what I have right this moment.

I know it's difficult for people who are not in my position to fully appreciate what I feel, because I might've continued being a nitpicky, whiny, ungrateful person if I wasn't me, and if my mother hadn't gotten cancer. I totally get it. Unless you're facing it yourself, you may never see the world for what it is and how other people are getting through it. They're barely surviving, and us, we're freaking thriving in our society, man.

Just, try not to sweat the small stuff, but notice the little things in life. Do it as a favour to me, and (hopefully) yourself. If your parents nag you, be glad they nag, because you know they care for you. Tell them you love them. In fact, tell everybody whom you love, that you love them. It doesn't have to be because life is short, but just because you feel it and it will make their day, so if you love them, it will make your day too.

Actually, I kinda take that back. Do it precisely because life is short. Everything is temporary. You may lose someone to death and departure from this world, you may lose them to the next girl who he falls in love with, you may lose your best friend(s) to a misunderstanding, your favourite celebrity to the one female celebrity you didn't want him to end up with.

Tell them. Tell them how you feel, because one day, everything may change (not that I get to tell Joseph Gordon-Levitt that I love him, and please don't marry Zooey hahahah).


*
Henceforth, I shall begin my thank-yous for 2011.

1. The Tasty Bunch

It has been eight years since we started being friends. I find it weird that after 8 years, we've never counted down to a new year together. Tomorrow/tonight's a first! There's a first time for everything, and next year, all five of us will go for a holiday trip together, for reals. :)

Through eight years, we've put up with a lot of shit from one another. There's always a particular thing we had about each of us:

Shahida and her tardiness and her blatant misinformation about her whereabouts, Atiqah and her tendency to bring Mike along for outings without informing us, Syafiqin and her last-minute backing-out of plans made with us, whether due to other people or no, and Han's constant insistent refusal at letting anyone in and sharing her true feelings with us.

Have you guessed what's mine yet? Mine is impatience and a lack of EQ and a need to be forthright about all my feelings, that I tend to hurt other people's feelings.

I think certain events this year happened and then made it such that all 5 of us somewhat toned down on all our non-ideal traits. I think Shahida is more punctual, Atiqah sometimes meets us without Mike or we are told in advance.

Syafiqin hasn't backed out for a long time (I hope she gets that it's fine if she wants to meet her other friends in her free time, it's not like we'd take offence or wouldn't understand that she has other social circles too! we're her friends and she should trust us enough to let us know!).

Han, I don't know, has she been more open this year? I guess so, which is why certain things transpired the way they did.

In spite of the fact that we've all improved on our respective bad habits (I hope they feel the same about me!),  they are still the best friends I have and I know why. It's because we all know of one another's flaws and yet we are still so close to each other.

You always know the worst things about your best friends. That way, no matter what, you can depend on them and predict them to be and do the things that you know they do, that is part of them, that becomes something you hate, and yet something you love anyway, because it's a person you love.

I want to thank Atiqah, Hanisah, Shahida and Syafiqin because they know me and all my idiosyncracies, all my weirdness, my tendency to be tactless, my quirks, everything bad and wrong about me, they've seen me at my worst, and they still accept and love me. For 8 whole years they've put up with me. Thank you for being my sisters from 4 different mothers hahahaha.

I love you four. At this moment in time, I'd trust you with my heart and my life. Even if anything happens in future, even if this is only temporary like everything else, remember we once had this.

You know, it's very rare that five of us sit down and actually talk about our lives and feelings. When it's the five of us, it's always a fun-packed activity kind of day, that we don't even actually get to be best friends with each other. I hope 2012 brings more time and sessions for us to talk and be each other's girlfriends.

2. Blob/Wei-Xun

3 full years and the circle has finally come to a complete close. In December 2008, I fell in love with him and continued being in love with him for years and months but now in December 2011, I don't love him anymore. A lot happened in between.

Labels: 2011