I've never played a game of Words with Friends, nor do I even know what it is. I think though, that it might be something like Scrabble.

It is 7.27pm as I start composing this post. I slept at around 1am last night, and woke up at 1pm today.

Between 1pm and now, I have eaten, folded clothes, then gone back to sleep, and I just ate a sandwich (chicken patty with cheese and egg) made by mum and served to me on my bed and in fact the plate is still here with me.

Although I had a stack of my own clothes folded neatly, I fell asleep with it on my bed before putting it into my wardrobe so I kicked it down while I was sleeping and now I have to refold them. At least my household's clothes have all been kept.

Apart from eating lunch, folding clothes, and eating that lovely sandwich for dinner, I have done nothing but sleep. Usually I'd want to watch the latest Grey's Anatomy episode the moment it's available, but it's been online for a day and I have no interest in watching it.

That is how affected I am. I don't even care about Grey's, which is next to impossible because I love Grey's, it is part of my life, it is part of me, and even though 70% of its episodes make me cry, watching it gives me happiness. I don't want to watch it at all for now.

Before starting on this post, I had so many words in my head to churn out, but now that I'm actually typing it, they all sound stupid and I don't know what this is even going to be about.

Hanisah says in a text, "why your life is so confusing i dont know. why cant you just be friends yet secretly like him. i would do that. why must you cut him off?? so sad! dont be like blob. i mean, u actually enjoy d drum circle. why should you sacrifice a perfectly good teacher and things you enjoy for something you do not want? i do not understand."

First of all, I did do that. I don't know how much of a secret my feelings were, but I tried to treat him as a normal friend, for about the past 4 months. Slowly but surely, though, my feelings resurfaced and I liked all the things that made me fall for him in the first place.

I couldn't do it anymore, because I knew my feelings were not going away, and I don't wanna be that girl who is secretly in love with somebody even up till he gets a girlfriend, and pretends she's not jealous but in reality she wishes he would break up.

It sounds ridiculous but I know of such people, I know them, and I would have ended up like them if I don't cut it out right now.

I wish I didn't have to cut him off either. I wish, you have no idea how hard I'm wishing.

I wish when I meet him, I'd have this choice of controlling my feelings, of being in total unaffected and "unaffectable" mode. I wish whenever I talked to him, I didn't feel so happy. The problem is I could probably have the same conversation with anyone and everyone else, and I'd still feel happiest talking to him (out of all guys).

I wish I could have and exchange words with a friend called Khalis and feel nothing except platonic friendliness. You have no idea how much I'm wishing.

I really wish it was so, because I KNOW I seem pathetic, to be dependent on this guy who doesn't reciprocate my feelings. I have the same opinion everybody else does, that I am irrational and stupid, and I don't want to be. But I cannot help my stupid and irrational feelings and I don't know how or why.

It's not a choice. If I was using my brains, the choice would be so easy to make. Khalis has told me no before, therefore I should have learnt my lesson, and not fallen for him again. Khalis has fallen for another girl in the past 4 months, and so I should have just moved on and forgotten about him.

BUT NO. My brain refuses to function, and my heart is doing all the work, and it is just so ridiculous how many things should be clicking and telling me to stop, and yet I don't. My feelings don't end and I don't know why.

I keep comparing the situation with Blob, because that was my longest serious pseudo-relationship, and I thought I wouldn't ever get over him, but I am. He and I tried so many times to get over each other and to move on from each other, but it never happened until we ignored each other for longer than a month.

The thing is, I don't know if that month was easy for him to do, to ignore my existence, I sort of pushed him to do it, and he had an incentive to do so anyway. In any case, I somewhat registered that if Blob can find it in him to not acknowledge me for that long, then he couldn't care less about me, and therefore I should and definitely could care less about him.

It's ridiculous because I know Blob is a good friend, he was a good friend while he was my almost-boyfriend, and he was a good friend even through the whole of last year, and I know he'd have wanted to be a good friend had I not pushed him to stop talking to me.

It's ridiculous because I somehow know that is the only way I could get over Khalis as well, if I push him into ignoring my existence, into not caring about my drumming or my family or my friends or anything in my life. If he doesn't care for me as a friend, then my feelings for him will go away, because I wouldn't like a non-friend. Han is right, the guys I fall for have to be my good friends first.

It's ridifuckulous, because I know Khalis wouldn't ignore and avoid me for two straight months unless I made him do it, unless I told him it was necessary for me to get over him.

Khalis and Blob are similar in that sense, they do what is required for my best interests, which is even more ridiculous because what I need them to do is to cast themselves in a bad light so I get over them, but they're doing it because they care, so it's a paradox and my brain knows it, and yet it still is what works.

Why am I so ridiculous? Why are my feelings so stupid and irrational and out of my control?!

I don't know, but I do know right now, that I have gotten over Blob and I could just be platonic friends with him, that that is all I'll ever want to have with him again. And I don't really know for sure, but I think, to get over Khalis, I really need to have zero contact with him for a long while after.

Fuck my feelings. I wish they didn't exist. Because both of them were/are good friends. And to sacrifice the friendships that I had with each of them and change the dynamics forever. I don't know if it's worth it. Either ways, I just cannot get my feelings hurt even worse.

Before yesterday, I was all eager to re-read Huda's email and reply it, because that's another thing that I love and makes me happy, but now I'm just not in the mood. This sucks. I want to punch a punching bag. I hate my feelings. I wish everybody had like a tag they were born with, to show who they would end up with, and who we're supposed to fall for.

FUCK THIS SHIT.

Labels: musings